Passion

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  1. Hello everyone. <: I have had HPPD and DPDR for 3 years now. I have afterimages at daytime, but they get so intense at night. Like three or five times as strong as daytime. It legit feels like I am tripping, high or am drunk as fuck. Anyone else here that experience such a drastic change from daytime to nighttime? (It has been so since I got the disorders, so it's nothing new to me. Just curious.)
  2. Stimulatingdistraction, damn. I am so sorry for such a late answer. Just saw your message. :c Such a slowpoke I am. I don't hang here so often anymore because I try to keep myself away from everything hppd/dpdr related. I come back rarely in periods just to feel that I am not alone. Today is one of those days. Hahah. The thing about the memories.. They feel kind of foggy and distant to me. I mean memories from before the "bad trip". At this point in my life, almost a year after my trip, I don't remember how my life was before. :c I don't remember how it feels and how "normal" people see life. Damn, I read through the whole post and wow. I am so thankful for peoples replys. They calmed me down. I sound terrified :c Hahah.. I definitely overanalyzed every little thing that I did at that state. I hope that I will never go through that again.. but.. yeah. You never know. If I think about it, it does feels weird to eat. But I just don't want to.. overanalyze the feeling. Then I get really deattached. :c Just wondering.. when you drink water and overanalyze it, does it feels like you drink OIL? I feel it. And it sucks.. Water feels extremely thick and I just want to throw up because it reminds me of like.. castor oil. :C AND.. one more question.. when you people cry, do you sometimes get like chocked and "What the hell is this shit? Why am I crying?" and get a warm breeze all over your body? ;o The feeling of being surprised that you actually are lying there and crying? .____. Can't really explain.
  3. Chris, thank you for your answers. c: Damn, it seems like I need to go to the doctors if I want to try out medicine that actually may work for me. :/ I'll maybe do it in the future. And btw, question number 2 is so serious it can get, actually. You can't walk around fearing life all the time. I am ready to take risks sometimes. Risks worthy taking. Breast augmentation is something I really want and have wanted for 3-4 years. I simply have a passion for big boobs. It might sound strange to you, so you are free to think of it as you want. You have your own opinion. c: Jay, oh, okay. Then I need to have a pre-talk with my future kids on drugs pretty early in their lives. C: So they know what they give themself into. I am happy for your brother. So lucky. XD But yeah, he'll never see life the way we see it. Can't get it really.. are we blessed or cursed with our disorders? :s Shall look the surgery topics up.. And hahah! I don't know if I want to flash my tits for the internet. I am a bitch and keeping them all for myself. Have you been addicted to any medication? If yes, what happens when you're addicted? I read that for some people the medicine help, but with time it looses it's.. function and like.. stops helping. (Can't find the right word, bummer :c) Thank you for your reply! C:
  4. Hello there! My name is Natalie. <: This will probobly be a long post. Simply me writing down my feelings and stuff. Just felt like I needed to warn you guys. <: I apologize for my english. Here it goes: I rarely visit anything hppd and depersonalization/derealization related nowadays. I stopped when I discovered that overly attachement to this kind of forums made me more depressed. It was like a reminder of my problem. Always hanging there. I just wanted to forget about everything. And now it's almost a year since that terrible trip on cannabis. It doesn't feel as a whole year has gone since that day, 14th of april. Actually... I can't really measure time. Due to my derealization I can't really feel time. Hard to explain. It feels crazy to think that I had hppd and dpdr on my mind every single day since that day last year.Not a day has gone without me thinking about those problems of mine. Will it be this way my whole life? :c Maybe, maybe not. Time will tell. In June I will turn 20 years old. I just hope that I will not waste the coming years. Gah.. I am thinking too much right now. Can't really focus on where to begin with and can't really understand for myself what I want with this post. I think I just want to sociolize with someone who shares my problems. One of the things that makes me.. calm is that I am not the only one struggling in this shit. Even if I don't want ANYONE to be a part of this problem, it makes me calm knowing that there are people out there going through the same things as me. :c It doesn't feel nice to think so. The symptoms I have are: Afterimages (really bad.. :s), trails, visual snow... damn.. it's hard naming them all when you've lived with them for a year. I don't really know what's normal and what's not. xD Hahah.. I am pretty sure I have most of the usual symptoms on HPPD. I remember writing it somewhere in the beginning of my "trip" through this problem. My symptoms are pretty bad.. Aspecially afterimages.. But, I can manage. I think about them everyday. But I can forget about all the symptoms for like a couple of hours sometimes. <: But those last couple of nights the visual snow was holding me up. :C It's like.. EVERYWHERE. In different colors, always changing its position. :Cc It sucks. And the bright light it's making SUCKS. You can't fall asleep when the "statics" is forming some kind of light. It's like when you "press" on the lids of your closed eyes. Or.. I don't know. :c But.. the light sucks. But I think I hate afterimages most of all in HPPD. I don't have a driving license, so my friends often drive me places. And when I sit in the passengers seat and watch other cars.. DAMN. Those freakin' rear lights everywhere I look. If I see a car in front of me with the rear lights on and I look right and then left.. The lights are copying themselves and I see a bunch of rear lights instead of just a pair. :C Has anyone here got a solution for their afterimages problems? :c If so.. Please do tell if something made things better for you. It is really irritating. And it's not only at night that I see afterimages of everything.. no.. I see it 24/7 with every bright thing I look at. I know that after sitting on the computer a black square (light from the screen) is going to be stuck in my vision for a minute of so. >:C FUU. Hppd isn't actually my main concerne.. I was also really lucky to trigger my DPDR at the same moment as I triggered my HPPD. (----: FML. And It has been my biggest problem ever since. I don't have it in periods like some of you lucky bastards.. I have it 24/7. Derealization is the biggest problem. I don't feel.... real. I am constantly in a dream and I don't really remember how REALITY feels like. I am just "something" stuck in this sort of a GAME. :s (Please, don't think that I am crazy.) I often doubt my existance and question reality. Like: what the f*ck am I doing here? What is this? What am I? It that a chair? What is a chair? How do I know that this is a chair? Just stupid thoughts.. that scare me. :c I am glad to announce that I rarely freak out nowadays. I don't experience anxiety that often. THANKS GOD.. or just.. someone. But I am getting bored to be in this state of.. being? I want to get out. I want to taste the reality again. Everything seems so.. GRAY here. x) Can't really explain it. I just want to.. FEEL. Really feel. I want to know how it felt like to be a human before the DOOMS DAY/14th of APRIL. Sometimes I can walk around without thinking about DPDR, and then snap back and have thoughts like "Where am I?". I am afraid to loose touch with reality. I am afraid to do something stupid just to feel "alive". :c I am afraid to go insane. But hey! A whole human year has gone since that awful day. And.. Nobody suspects that anything is wrong with me. .___. Yeah.. I only told my mother, my boyfriend, some of his friends that were there on that bad trip day, my former best friend who will always be like a brother to me anyway, and to some people that aren't that CLOSE to me. :s My closest friends don't know about this. And hopefully they'll never know. This is the biggest problem of my life and I don't want so many people to know about this shit. :c They don't need to know. I haven't tried any medicine except over-the-counter vitamins like magnesium. I stopped with everything like 6 months ago because they made their job. They calmed my anxiety down. I am greatful for that. But they can't help me with my dpdr and hppd. I haven't tried prescription medicine because I don't want to go to the doctors. I know that there is no cure and that they can not help me. And I don't want everyone to know about my condition. I know that they can prescript me some bezo and stuff. I can't lie.. I am curious. But I don't want to get addicted. I have a feel that I will be if I try. :s I have a few questions for you guys. I would be thankful if somebody answered them. <: 1. In 10 years from now I would maybe thinking about having a baby. Is it possible for the child to inherit my hppd and dpdr? :Cc I am really worried about that. Don't want to ruin anyones life. 2. This year I am probobly going to get a boob job, cuz I love big tits. ;$ 8D And I wondered if the narcosis/morphine (?) can make me "trip" again.. or.. like trigger my hppd and dpdr all over again and make it worse? :C I am scared to be put to sleep. :c What if I trip due to the narcosis? :Cc 3. Again a pregnancy question: When one is in labor they get like .. laughing gas or morphine (?) .. Is it possible that I am going to trip again? :C I don't want to trip. :C Hahah.. :C 4. Is there anything that helps against afterimages? :c 5. Is there anything that brings you back to the "reality" from DPDR? The last two questions I ask because I haven't been on these kinds of forums for like more than 6 months. Maybe you know something new that I have missed in this time. :s But yeah! I think I have written enough for today. 8D Feel much better now. C: Hope someone want to reply so I don't feel so lonely. Hahah. Hugs! Have a nice day. And may the odds be ever in your favor. lol.
  5. I meant.. That you overanalyze the taste. And that is is weird.. To eat. Strange. If you concentrate in "tasting"..
  6. I hate the feeling of being so deattached.. Do you experience some strange things when you eat or feel things?
  7. I think that my HPPD got worse too.. now when I think about it. It probably did. :c But the feelings of DPDR are brootal.. much more worse than before. :c Now I have the thought: - What if I am in coma and this is a dream? :c But I know that it's not true. But the feelings are horrible.. When I speak I sometimes.. very often.. think about what I am saying.. and realize how strange everything is. That the voice comes out of itself. :c Can't really explain. Gah.. :c So scared.
  8. I am okay with my visuals.. They are something that I can live witj. It's the feeling of being high all the time.. Being apart from the real world that is scary. I hope it will get better as the last time. I hope that I will feel normal again. Relaxed and normal. Already bought all the vitamins that helped me last time. I hope I will make it.
  9. I can still make myself see everything in.. stopmotion kind of way. I feel that when I look at.. for example my hand. I don't look straight at it, I look THROUGH it. I mean.. I see my hand.. I can't see through it like.. it is transparent or something.. I just.. focus.. farther away and look deeper. :c Everything seems strange. And when I speak.. the words aren't.. synced to me. They come out and everything is just.. weird. :C Not real. When I eat.. sometimes everything feels like when I tripped.. The feeling doesn't.. belong to me. It is.. Like.. When you breath in.. nitrous oxide or laughing gas as it's called. You feel feelings on your face.. But you don't feel.. like it is you who.. control the feelings. :c I am scared. I couldn't make myself feel this things as.. HARD (?) as I can do now. Now.. I can develop a trip.. I know that I could if I tried. And the more I speak about my DPDR, the.. more I feel it. But I need someone to calm me down. I am afraid. Afraid of getting a psychosis. Afraid that I blew my last chance. Help.
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  11. I hate myself. I cry. I am so DPDR:ed as hell. Scared. I don't want to get a panicattack and I don't want to have a psychosis.. I hate it.
  12. Now I also know that it was Hash that started everything. Pure hash.
  13. Fuck. Lucky me my ass. The trip-feelings are still there. Fuck. I hope I don't have a psychosis. I beg to God that everything will be well.
  14. But it's the second time I make the same mistake. Well.. A positive thing.. Now I know that hasch won't cure my hppd if I try it again. (Not that I have thought that).. Pfft. So stupid. Want to hit myself in the face with a chair. Can only say that I know that I'm much stronger now. I can manage the hell. Everything will be fine again some day. But it seems like I will not be leaving this page as soon as I hoped. So stupid.
  15. Am a little scared that my dpdr is back.. God. I am so stupid.