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  1. 71 points
    About time for a thread like this. I took about 4 grams of shrooms (twice as much as you should on your first time) in early january. Before that all I had done was drink and smoke weed a few times. I tripped really hard, I was in a completely diferent dimension talking to people who don't exist, and time had no meaning. At one point I became really scared that I wasn't going to come back and began freaking out trying to physicaly claw my way back into this world while my eyes were closed. Still the next morning I was fine and I looked at the trip in a positive way. Three weeks later I smoked a little and the night after that I drank a little. The night after the night I drank I woke up from a really messed up dream shaking with really bad anxiety. For the next week I had horrible anxiety and sleep issues (hynagogic hallucinations and such) but no other symptoms. After a week it went away but then a few days later it came back with all that stuff plus 24/7 visual snow and some after-images and some derelization. The next two months were hell but then things started to improve. After 4 months I was feeling a lot better and could ignore HPPD pretty easily, after 6 months I was basically back to normal. It's been almost 7 months now and I still have some very minor symptoms. I am more anxious/moody/prone to depression than I was prior to HPPD but its still improving and I'm confident that these symptoms will completely dissapear soon. In certain lightings I stilll get visual snow but its so minor that if it had never been worse I would think it was just a normal thing that everyone had. Ocasionally I'll get a random visual (like an afterimage or something weirder), but its getting increasingly more rare and honestly might also be normal. I dream vivid dreams all night long it seeems now but thats not really a bad thing. I still have some Hypnagogia issues, I kinda start dreaming while I'm still awake and had a little sleep paralysys a week ago (I thought i was dead), its really hard to explain but its not a problem as long as it doesn't get worse. I also get CEV when I'm trying to sleep sometimes but those are fun now that they aren't there all the time. I didn't use any prescriptions to get to this point, just eating healthy, taking vitamins, exercising, and most importatly ignoring my symptoms and believing that they will go away. Good Luck!
  2. 59 points
    what are some of your experiences with breaking the news to your parents? how do you tell them? how have they reacted? i know i have to tell them at some point but don't know what to expect or what a good way to say it would be... :/
  3. 52 points
  4. 10 points
    Here is my success story. I really hope this helps people because when I first got HPPD almost 4 years ago at age 23 I was a total train wreck and thought I would never get my life back. I am certain that this forum played a huge role in saving my life because for a long time I was seriously worried that I would have no other way out than to take my own life. This was definitely my darkest time and it makes me a little sick to think about it but I feel like I owe it to all the kids out there who are suffering. I'll get to the point. I took mushrooms for the first time ever and I flipped out. There seems to be a pretty standard story to this...total fear, a feeling that the trip will never end, it was a feeling I had never felt before. In my mind, I went to hell if it does exist. I woke up the next day feeling wierd, just off, sort of empty. I didnt think it anything serious until a week later, on new years day, I woke up after a night of partying in Las Vegas, and I knew something was wrong, I was sick, I was throwing up, and I was terrified, my vision was changing before my very eyes, everything was moving, and I knew something was wrong, the first thing I thought when I got up...the mushrooms were coming back to get me. I tried to tell myself it would be ok, that I was just sick from drinking, but it didn't stop. I didn't eat for almost a week, and I went to the hospital to get an I.V. to rehydrate me. In the ER, there was a true psychotic woman having an episode, It terrified me, because I felt I could somehow relate to her. I thought I had really lost it and I would never be the same. I'd heard of people "freaking out" and stories from the 60s, musicians like Brian Wilson going nuts on acid ect. and I starting thinking I was one of them now. I went home and felt so empty, but I couldn't even cry. My parents came back from a trip they were on, and it was like I didn't even know them, I was in my own little world. Things that were familiar were foreign to me, nothing was the same. As I worried more, things got worse, I started having panic attacks daily, I couldn't sleep, and my visual symptoms got worse. I had horrible headaches, nausea, paranoia, depression, visuals, the whole nine yards. At this point I think i was pre depersonalized, the panic was very strong, and it drove me deeper into a state of numbness. I was having terrible nightmares when I did sleep, finally, I think my mental anguish drove me into a state of numbness, where I couldn't feel anything around me, just like a zombie. I would say this was about 4-6 months into it. I started seeing therapists, and it helped a bit to have someone I could talk to because I didnt have anyone. None of my friends got it, and I was scared to tell my parents. At that point I wasn't even sure if they were real. I started reading on the forums, and this was a real game changer. I started to learn about some of the things that were happening, like the depersonalization/derealization, anxiety, ect. But more than that, I learned that there were people just like me, that I could talk to and would understand me, and even better that some people had survived it. This gave me what I needed, a little hope. Something to AIM for, a light at the end of the tunnel. Of course I was unsure and skeptical that I would get better, but at this point, in what seems like a rather odd reasoning, I decided that I couldn't be any worse off, and that the only choice I had was to get better, I really had nothing to lose. I knew it wouldn't happen soon but I thought, hell, I've survived this long (it was probably a year in) I can keep going, so I kinda just put my life on autopilot. I bought myself some time, I said, hey I'm just gonna deal with this day to day, not try to push myself too hard, and maybe in a few years I'll at least be able to function. That was a big deal, I accepted my situation, that it was gonna suck now, and that it would be a long time before I got better. During this time I had a lot of bad days, I also had some good ones. But every time that I had a good day, I kinda put that in my mental bank. Like saving pennies at a time. They add up. I made habit of doing things that would promote overall well being. That meant regular exercise programs, eating better, meditation, and yoga. I began to make steady improvements, I started having more good days, and things looked better for me. Someone once described HPPD as sort of like throwing a stone into the water, a huge splash, then lots of waves, ups and downs, and the slowly get less and less intense and I would totally agree. There was a long period of about 1 1/2- 3 years into HPPD that I began to get frustrated because I would feel great and think I finally beat it, then relapse again, I just wanted to be better, but again, time heals. This coming New Years day will be my 4 year anniversary of the day HPPD and I can say that this is behind me. In fact, I look back on it and I almost don't believe myself. It's almost like it was just a terrible nightmare. Which is how I had hoped I would look back on it some day. I want to put it behind me and never look back. But at the same time I want to help the kids that are on here because I know how terrible they feel and they need help just like I did. I owe it to someone because I survived and I want people to know that you can beat it but it takes work and commitment. I still feel a little lost, like I'm not sure who I am as a person, but I at least feel like I know where I am (haha). I just spent 4 years in a nightmare and now I'm awake. So I will try to offer some advice. The forums are great for helping you out, but don't spend too much time here. Don't spend hours on hours reading about peoples problems, about mental disorders. Education is good but at some point it will only make you more obsessive. Also, there is a lot of negativity here that will bring you down, because people that are on here are mostly here because they are having problems, not because they are doing great. For every 1 success story you will read about 20 horror stories. It's like watching the news, they only report on the bad stuff, you will never turn it on and have the reporter say "hey, everything is great." Again, do stuff that promotes good health, a healthy body is a healthy mind. Get outside and enjoy nature. I found it easier to connect with natural objects. Try to feel the sun, or the breeze on your face, little things like that. They can help you feel alive. Stop doing drugs, alcohol, tobacco, or limit your intake if you can. Smoking weed really made things worse for me. Talk to someone that can offer something positive and will understand your situation. If anyone ever wants to talk, on the phone, email, whatever, hit me up. Believe you can get better.
  5. 7 points
    I am here for several reasons. Foremost, my 23 year old son has HPPD and I am personally touched by this. His struggles parallel what others feel and experience as written here. Living with HPPD is a private hell – seems. It is met with misunderstanding and judgment from an insensitive society and an uninformed professional medical community, generally speaking, with exception of very few doctors who are HPPD champions. It seems most members here are unofficially diagnosed… seeking information what to expect, where to go, how to feel better, lead life unencumbered. What a Godsend this forum is. I am here because I believe HPPD sufferers need advocacy… This means caregivers and the community leaders are needed to speak for them when they cannot, to represent their needs, to make a difference, to carry a torch and make inroads in research and awareness. To YOU, I extend my hands to help, my heart, my time. I am a psychologist, researcher, and writer…. and I care very, very much. So many faces, different places, the stories so similar…. Too little resources, no place to turn, just each other to help. I am only one person, but bring it on… and let’s get started to do something good. Please visit my website, Faces of HPPD www.facesofhppd.com which is established as a project to compile information about HPPD from those who have received official diagnosis and treatment, so that all can learn about living with HPPD. Faces of HPPD is not intended to compete with this forum… but to expand the sharing of resources and knowledge. I hope in some way I can be a force to make a small difference. God speed to each and everyone of you! Doreen Lewis, PhD (in Florida)
  6. 6 points
    Flashbacks and HPPD: A Clinical-oriented Concise Review Probably the best paper if you want to know what HPPD is and the treatments available. Interesting also the HPPD I and HPPD II concept. I went from a HPPD I to an HPPD II, and I think the division is spot-on. Have a good day! 13_Flashbacks-and-HPPD.pdf
  7. 5 points
    The Visual Snow Syndrome study carried out by Dr Goadsby is close to starting a treatment phase of research . Yesterday Jen Ambrose posted an update ongofundme : https://www.gofundme.com/visual-snow '' Hello Eye on Vision Supporters!I'm sorry that there was such a long delay in hearing from me, but I sustained an eye injury in Feb and am only recently returning to limited computer use. I do have an update from London to share with you. Patients have begun to be qualified and scheduled for testing. Scans are scheduled for May and June at King's College. This is an important phase of research, because what is learned from these scans will determine how we enter into a treatment phase of research. Without this phase of research, we will not be able to proceed to medication testing. With that being said, I've been approached about funding for Dr. Puledda's salary for another year. Dr. Puledda works under Prof. Goadsby and is the primary doctor assigned to the Visual Snow research at King's college. As stated in previous updates we need approximately $70,000 USD per year to employ her. Currently we have only raised $20,000 USD which is a far off sum from what is actually needed to secure her. Almost all of you reading this who have VS have likely undergone an MRI. You have likely seen the very high bill to your insurance, or you have paid out of pocket. It's not uncommon to see bills over $1000. We are very fortunate that King's College covers all of these costs towards VS research. We need to assist them though by being able to pay Dr. Puledda for her time and efforts on our behalf. We would love for you to become a monthly donor and help us achieve our research funding goals. You can sign-up as a monthly donor here:http://eyeonvision.org/donate-to-the-eye-on-vision-foundation.htmlThank you, Jen Ambrose Please everyone make donations!! I know you guys got visual snow syndrome from drugs ( just as the forum info section itself says : drug induced visual snow syndrome ) but the symptoms are the same . A cure could be on the horizon if we start making donations!!! I've posted links about few other rare diseases that have found cures( or are close to finding one) purely by making large donations and not giving up . This is what patient determination and donations can do : https://www.hippocraticpost.com/innovation/gene-therapy-nervous-system-disorders/ https://www.technologyreview.com/s/603832/determined-parents-are-moving-the-needle-on-gene-therapy/ there are some other articles I came across a while back but I don't have the time to search for all of them again . However I hope that the above articles will inspire you to make donations for the visual snow syndrome research. It's the only option we all have left now !!!
  8. 5 points
    Please stop smoking weed.
  9. 4 points
    I feel like the symptoms of anxiety,depression,derealization and depersonalization are a matter of us dealing with our condition and how we respond to it and the emotions we attach to it. Honestly, I feel like the best way to get better from HPPD is to accept the fact that yes you may have visuals but this is NOT the end of the world. You have to do things like meditation, wim hof breathing, weight lift, exercise. If you continue to believe that you're going to have anxiety and depression for the rest of your life due to a past decision, you have to ABSOLUTELY get over this destructive thought pattern. Guys, the mind is an extremely powerful thing. We can either use it as a tool for our own advantage or as a means of self destruction. STOP the negative thought patterns, eliminate the cortisol rush's from anxiety and take control of your life! Never feel sorry for yourself and never ever go into the bitter regretful mindset. This will just absolutely lead you down a dark path. Cheers, hope everyone gets better.
  10. 4 points
    Your story follows a very common theme here, as has been pointed out by above members of this site. I too had symptoms of HPPD from the time I was about 15 until 20. I did a lot of drugs in high school and at some point ended up with visual snow, depersonalization and slight afterimages, all of which are standard HPPD symptoms. After I graduated high school I actually took it easy on drugs my freshman year of college and within a few years I was symptom free. I took a few hallucinogens here and there but was always careful in never taking too much. Well, six years later all it took was a single tab of acid and I was thrown into a world and experience I wouldn't wish on anybody ever in the history of man. It's really clear that you're in a position we all were at one time and ignored. Don't be like us and ignore what your brain is telling you. Drugs don't work for you and your body type. If you keep doing them you'll regret it -- guaranteed. And not only that, you'll regret ever being born. Life on this planet is the greatest gift imaginable. Don't take it for granted. Doing drugs isn't worth it.
  11. 4 points
    I was in a similar place as you for a long time. I remember when I first got HPPD it was like being transported into another world because my DP-DR symptoms were so severe. I literally thought I was dreaming this all at one point. Everything looked like a cartoon, people looked like they were sculpted from clay and my visual-spacial recognition system was so completely destroyed I couldn't move my eyes anywhere or track anything across my field of vision without a gigantic and long-lasting smear that persisted for sometimes minutes after I took my eyes away from it. I've made tremendous progress since that time and I attribute most all of it to abstaining from drugs and living a healthy lifestyle, especially with regards to eating habits. I don't know what to tell you other than you're not alone, many people here have suffered from intense HPPD and DP-DR and that 1.5 years is nothing in terms of recovering from HPPD. Also, I've been to so many dark places and thought I'd never make it out alive. I don't know how many times I've contemplated suicide, but I've always pulled through, always somehow found a way out and kept on pushing. After two years I'm so happy I did. Though I still have HPPD it's gotten so much better, especially after transforming my diet, and I'm finally in a place where I'm OK from day to day, which I never could say until now. HPPD is a very long road and a very strenuous fight, but as others have already pointed out life is worth living even if difficult. You just need to give yourself time.
  12. 4 points
    Hey guys, Some of you might remember me from a while ago but I was a very active member a while back, I haven't posted in a while because well, I consider myself cured. It all began after a single dose of 25B-NBOMe, and threw me into an extremely dark place. I suffered a pretty much constant panic attack for a month after I aquired the disorder. I was depressed and simply waiting for the day to end, now when it gets to that point you start to not want to get up in the morning in the first place. I didn't want to live in that state. The dissociation was the worst, I didn't think it was possible to experience such a detached view of reality to the point where it might as well have all been a bad dream. Well, over the course of 2 years the symptoms waxed and waned but eventually started subsiding. I am still left with all my visuals but the dissociation is gone 80% and I'm sure I can make up the other 20. I tried over 10 medications, none really helping. I contacted specialists but couldn't afford them, my doctors were also very poor and refused to refer me anywhere worthwhile. In the end I just had to do it all myself. I forced myself out the house when I really would've preferred to curl up in a ball. I started socialising again, really socialising. I got back into my hobbies that I'd completely lost interested in, I worked on my anxiety through reading, meditation and praying everything will get better. You have to maintain that positive mindset no matter what, if you don't have that then you have nothing. I still have most of my visual symptoms as I said but I consider myself cured. Thank god the dissociation did go away for whatever reason, I feel alive again, I wake up and I don't feel like I'm in a foggy dream, I have emotions, I can be happy, sad, laugh and cry and really feel it like I'm supposed to. If I could go back I wouldn't change a thing, life is so much better once you've experienced how dark it can get and come out the other side. Some tips that helped me: ABSTAIN: Stay sober, a few beers now and again never hurt my recover but stay sober! Vitamins and diet: Eat well and eat good foods. Lifestyle: This was the big one for me, change your lifestyle completely in any possible way, change it for the better. Part of my recovery involved a lot of therapy where I let go of things from my past. Socialise, read, be passionate about your hobbies, learn a language, travel, find a relationship, get a job, change your job. You can do it on your own, or at least improve it as much as you can. I went from being so dissociated and suicidal I was sure I'd gone insane, to going back to my old self. Sure, I still have anxiety and visuals but I deal with it and to be honest, I never even think about it any more. Hope all of you are doing well, I can't imagine anything that puts as much strain and stress on the lives of people. Particularly young people that just don't deserve it. Listen to the long term members, I used to read the success stories every day and convinced myself I was going to get better, and I did. Good luck everyone, I pray for you all all the time. If you need someone to talk to or advice, anything at all, just PM me. Whatever thoughts are going through your head and no matter how you feel, I've been there. To the longer term members: hey, and thanks for all your help when I was at my worst. Sam
  13. 4 points
    Even thinking about smoking weed makes me anxious, nothing worse for me than to be high
  14. 4 points
    Hello, I'm recovered for 90-95% of this illness, I've suffered with HPPD for a period of 5-6 years . The only thing I suffer from now is chaotic thinking. A good night sleep makes this symptom relative obsolete though. So what did I do, right? HPPD really started to fade when I stopped all the drugs. This includes even smoking and probally drinking coffee. And to eat healthy, and to sport frequently. I think sporting as much as possible is even better. Also thinking postive is important too, try to go on with your life. Try to hit the hard but "good-for-u" roads frequently. What I also personally came across, that the cause of increased anxiety is not related to HPPD. HPPD only makes anxiety worse. Before HPPD kicked in I already had semi social anxiety. Focusing on such pre-existing anxieties is much better then on:"anxiety is from HPPD". A extra tip: I know it's really hard to step out your friend group. I think most friend groups who uses drugs frequently posses this strong loyal or tight band thingies. Specially when you're young, this youth culture kinda is your entire world. I think I'm lucky I converted to christianity in that period of time. I want to say some things about stepping out of such groups. I'm now in my 20's, and now with a more mature mind. I'm really thankfull I'm not in that place anymore. To be frank, I'm attending a good education and hang arround with the good people(I also used to hang arround plain thugs/hoodlums). I know almost certain, If I've stayed in this group I still have HPPD; and I'd be still in that dark corner of society. Some health boosts: I was quite desperate in the times of suffering of HPPD. So I played a bit with anti-oxidants. I discovered that some anti-oxidants helped with HPPD. Which are: L-carnosine, r-fraction alpa lipoic acid and astaxanthine. This above anti-oxidants has the rare behaviour that it acces the brain. Anti-oxidants, simply said, cleans the body of "waste/dump". If you're non-functional withouth coffee, you could try as substitute: Acetyl L-carnitine. It's a natural energizer. If you're having a hard time to stop smoking, ask your doctor if he/she can prescribe champix. Ps: sorry for my spelling & grammar, I'm dutch.
  15. 4 points
    I took LSD, Extacy and Mushrooms in relative moderation for about four years and I have spent the last 10 years of my life dealing with HPPD. The one good thing that came out of it, of course, is the fact that I was too scared to ever touch drugs again. I can honestly say that after all this time I hardly notice it any more but that is not to say that I did not at one point think that I was going to end up in some kind of institution. I have accepted the fact that it will never leave me completely but at the same time I have managed to let it go!!!
  16. 3 points
    @Saff I remember the point in my life when I realized "this isn't going away". It's really hard to come to terms with having this disability (In my case, I consider it a disability). I also remember the.point at which I decided that it wasn't going to get the best of me. I think that determination is in all of us if we can find it within ourselves. Understand that you can live a good life even with hppd. Sorry to sound so preachy. Part of being old I guess.
  17. 3 points
    Good (your last post). We don't need people advocating others taking hallucinogens here.
  18. 3 points
    Some people here can have a beer on the weekends and be fine. Some people can't. There's a certain sensitivity with hppd and the spectrum is vast. Psychedelics may have helped you at one time but I'm in agreement with Fante that hppd is some kind of cerebral injury. You have been mildly injured by psychedelics, and you're at a higher propensity for becoming more injured the more you do. I did drugs for the better part of a decade. I continued to use years after I got hppd. I'm slowly recovering from my last major flare up but why would I put myself through that again just to gain a little insight? Not worth it to me. You couldn't PAY me to do drugs again.
  19. 3 points
    You may as well ask "if i play russian roulette, will I die?"... None of us know for sure... Yet we can all tell you that it's a stupid idea. I might offend some people saying this, but mild hppd is a walk in the park... Something you can easily live with for the rest of your life. Severe hppd is one of the worst things you can ever experience. Is an 6 hour high worth that risk?
  20. 3 points
    I've had mild hppd because of SSRI and used to smoke weed for 15 years before, I recovered in 10 months at 90-95 %. But I relapsed on caffeine and afterimages, trails and general vision are worse than the first time now. But I will recover again.
  21. 3 points
    You might have a form of mild hppd or pre-hppd (if you only really see issues when you force yourself to find them, i would call that pre-hppd)... I personally believe that you probably can get hppd from strong weed but that it is far, far more likely you will recover. Stay calm, try to get out and fill your life with fun and interesting things to do,,, you will stop focusing on these issuess more and more
  22. 3 points
    You are obsessing, no doubt about it. The likelihood of it getting worse, without any additional drugs, is slim to none. If you are staying away from drugs, then there are only a few things that could make your hppd worse.... SSRIs, heavy amounts of alcohol and stress. Avoid the first two and limit the last and you will not get worse. I would possibly look into CBT or something to try and get past the obsessive thoughts. and no need to apologise about anything... The forum is here to support, not judge.
  23. 3 points
    There's absolutely no reason to be so aggressive and rude. You have a history of it on here, but that's not what this forum is about. If you have a particular opinion, fine, but there's a way of expressing yourself and that's not it. Furthermore, a failure to understand the importance of this study is a failure to understand the scientific process. It is not as simplistic as you make out. I suspect you haven't even read the study, merely the media headline. Science doesn't work by people saying 'based on my experience with LSD, it induces a higher state of consciousness'. No study has ever previously directly demonstrated a 'higher level of consciousness', and indeed the present study also focuses on how this higher level occurs in the psychedelic state. Using one particular scale, they were able to show that if, for example, being asleep is a lowered state of consciousness; being awake is a normal state of consciousness - then based on their measure of brain activity in scans, the psychedelic state is a higher level of consciousness. When we are under anaesthesia / vegetative, our brain signal is relatively most predictable; when we are asleep, our brain signal is relatively less predictable; when we are awake it is even less predictable; and when in the psychedelic state it is least predictable. This holds true for psychedelic states induced by psilocybin, ketamine and LSD - and based on their differing pharmacology, ketamine in particular, it is somewhat surprising they correspond to the same mathematical measure. We still don't understand what consciousness truly is, and this study clearly will aid in that understanding. This study shows that the psychedelic state is a distinct state of consciousness, as is being awake or being asleep, because of the global changes in brain activity observed (i.e. not linked to a particular region e.g. the visual cortex). We did not know this previously. The study helps to quantify what is going on in the brain following intake of psychedelics, and this will help further our understanding of how these kinds of drugs can be therapeutically effective, and will aid progress in being able to use these drugs to treat mentally ill individuals.The study also helps us to understand the level of our consciousness and what we are conscious of. In the study, the greater the subjective psychedelic experience, the greater the observed change in the state of consciousness using their measure. Our awake conscious experience is probably only about 5% of what we are (the rest being subconscious), so them demonstrating an increase in that conscious experience is exciting (although the study needs to be replicated using other measures). Their stated intention is now to see how differing information flow in the psychedelic state leads to different psychedelic experiences e.g. hallucinations, something that's clearly going to be more of interest to our community. Overall, this study supplements our understanding of how hallucinogens work to produce the experiences that they do. I think it says something that this study has initiated significant excitement for world-leading researchers who work in the area of consciousness and/or psychedelics. I should also say that study used recycled data from the brain scans carried out by Dr Cahart-Harris, Prof Nutt, et al at Imperial. That study was crowdfunded with assistance from the Beckley Foundation, who some members on here were in contact with previously.
  24. 3 points
    I'd say you have what I refer to as pre-hppd... If you have to force it on, then it is in a mild form and will very likely go completely if you stay sober, get healthy, eat well etc. At the very worst, you will just stop looking for it (I have a feeling alot of these visual issues were always there, we just filter them out perfectly, pre-drugs) I went through this stage and ignored it (this was before the internet!)... It can become hellish, but only by pouring fuel on the fire... No point getting stressed about it now though, I'd suggest not even bothering reading further until you try the sober/healthy approach and see what is really going on... but the most important thing is to stay sober. Your body/mind is ringing out alarm bells, you have to listen.
  25. 3 points
    Hi all, I haven't been on the boards in a year or three. I find that the less I think about HPPD the less it affects me. And, similarly, the more I'm on the boards, the more the conversations and discussions here loop through my head, and the more frequently HPPD dominates my thoughts. But today I decided to stop by. Why? I wanted to share a small piece of advice. Honestly, I had been thinking of doing this for a while but for some reason, it was so incredibly hard for me to open this forum and log in. Anyways, here I am now. What I want to share is what has worked for me and is what continues to help me. I speak to you from experience. I've found that the less I think of HPPD as a "thing" and the less that I see myself as a "victim" the less I suffer. What that means, is that the less you let this thing called "HPPD" be what identifies you, the less power it has to affect you. I know what this sounds like. It sounds like I'm saying "don't make a big deal out of it." And yes, that actually is what I'm basically saying. And I also know how most people are going to react. "It IS a big deal" or "that's f***ing easy for you to say" and so on. And you're right. HPPD is a big fucking deal and words come easy. However, I'm also a sufferer of HPPD and I know where you are coming from. Your symptoms may be far worse than mine. Or they might not. You don't really know. There are a lot of people suffering in the world. In fact, let me retract that statement--everyone in the world is suffering. You might not be able to perceive it, but there is a not a single breathing creature on this blue planet of ours that doesn't have a considerable dose of suffering. Some people's suffering has to worn on the outside. Do you think it's easy being physically deformed? Others, those like you and me, have to bear our suffering the inside. We may look "normal" and "just fine" to others in the street, or even to family and friends around us, but the amount of suffering we have inside of us is incredible. Indeed, it's mind boggling. And similarly, when we go out in the streets, on the subway, or for a drive and see all the other people going about their lives, you don't know--their suffering may be absolute nothing compared to yours. Or, it may not. Maybe you're is but a bit of spare change compared theirs. You just don't know. A person who has a toothache thinks that is theirs is the most painful type of suffering that can happen to you and the person who has a headache thinks that's theirs is the most painful type of suffering that can happen to you. That's whats called being human. We are all so incredibly self-centered and absorbed in ourselves. So naturally, us HPPDers think that HPPD is the most awful thing that can happen to someone. And maybe that's true. Or maybe it's not. All I know is that I wouldn't wish HPPD on even my worst enemy. But let me get back to my point about not letting HPPD become your identity. Once that happens, once HPPD becomes you and you become HPPD, it's over. Game over. You've started a cycle where you continually feed HPPD and it's ceaselessly grows in power over you. The more you think about it, the more it becomes real. The more you obsess over it, the most it becomes solid. Of course, it's hard not to think about it when the room is melting and and the anxiety feels like it literally about to give you a heart attack. But have you ever wondered why Xanax is so effective. I've noticed that after coming off a panic attack due to xanax my mind is completely clear, like a blue sky without a single cloud. The drug cuts through the snowball effect between the visuals and your anxious thoughts and suddenly you're back to neutral. And after pure hell, what a beautiful place that is to find yourself. And that is the state we have to cultivate. That is the state of mind that we have to start trying to inhabit if we want to live again. And that is where I am now, to be quite honest. I used to be in the deepest reaches of hell and thought I'd never come back. And I'm not cured today either. Hell no. HPPD visuals are always there and will always be there with me for the rest of my life. That is one thing I know for certain. However I consider myself cured because, except for the occasional anxiety attack, I can live and I can be happy. Of course, the visuals are always there if I chose to look for them. But for the most part, I don't pay them any mind. Sorry, visauls, but I'm not going to give you the time of day. So that is how I don't let myself become a HPPD victim. I don't let myself think that I'm the unluckiest person on earth who had to get this terrible disorder when all my friends didn't and still trip all the time. I just see myself as a average guy, just another human being, who happens to have screwy vision and anxiety. Nothing more. If you can start to think of yourself like that, that is exactly what you will become. Likewise, if you think about of yourself as the person on earth with the most suffering, that is EXACTLY what you will be. A guy who seems himself as just another fucked-up guy can go out in to the world. He may be a little awkward, but he can still enjoy the joys and sorrows of life. A guy who see himself as a HPPD Victim has to stay inside his tiny room and suffer as the walls close in upon him. So you have a choice. My choice, and my advice to you, is to not think of yourself as the worst, the unluckiest, or most miserable person out there--even if that is exactly how you feel. When you start to change your mind, you start to change your experience. And hey, you might not be at the bottom anyways. There are a million different ways we can suffer in this crazy world and HPPD is but just one of them. I've been on these boards for ... damn... is it almost eight years now? Maybe more. And there haven't been that many people who killed themselves or died. The only I can remember is Andy, the UK fellow who was a Buddhist. I'm sure there might have been more but compare that with the teenage girl who got blackmailed until her nude photos got leaked online and she committed suicide. Or the people recently in India who lost their life savings when the 500 and 1,000 rupee notes got canceled over night and their family founds them dead the next day. In fact, I have heard a lot more success stories on this board than deaths. So, please, all I want to say is be gentle with yourself. Everyone is suffering too so don't think you're so damn special for having HPPD. You don't know. Maybe one day you'll be like a lot of others on this board who are back to living again. Maybe not. But I think a lot of that depends on you. I'm sorry for my blabbering but this is what has made a serious, long-term improvement in my quality of life, more than drugs or anything else could. I felt terribly guilty not trying to at least say something that might even just help one person even in the tiniest way. I doubt that it has but still I'm glad I finally got up the confidence to log on today and write whatever came to mind. Feel free to take my advice but also feel free to call it bullshit and chuck it out as you see fit. That's all up to you and it honestly don't make one bit of difference to me what you do. You're the one who has to bear the results. I'll make my choices and bear their results. Anways, I'll be back in some time. Please know that I pray for each and every one of your on the boards daily. I'm not sure if helps relieve your suffering but its the best I can do. -Dukkha
  26. 2 points
    I never really had a bad trip. Strange, unearthly, total loss of body, yes. Bad or a "bummer", no. Hppd for me was due to an extreme case of brain rewiring as opposed to a bad experience. Using acid to cure hppd sounds like using whisky to cure alcoholism.
  27. 2 points
    I'm so glad I didn't make any rash decisions. I feel about 90-95% recovered and that's without meds. I don't know how to explain it because I'm eating better but not consistently. It must have just been time. It feels like my nervous system is resetting back to normal. Give it time and yours will too.
  28. 2 points
    I can understand asking this question with mild hppd. Some of us have it pretty severe and the idea of even touching a drug makes us cringe. If you want it to become severe...sure, go ahead and use drugs. If you want a full recovery, abstain.
  29. 2 points
  30. 2 points
    http://time.com/4841790/exercise-brain/?utm_campaign=time&utm_source=twitter.com&utm_medium=social&xid=time_socialflow_twitter
  31. 2 points
    Hi guys, I only recently found out about HPPD after googling these symptoms ive had for a while after my first acid trip: Up until this point I had only ever smoked weed, did mdma regularly and tried a very low dose of psilocibin mushrooms, I decided to try acid next so I bought and tested a couple of 100μg tabs and planned to take one after work one day. So the trip went fine, i was a little overwhelmed but overall it was a good experience and i planned to do it again soon with my girlfriend until I noticed slight visual hallucinations when I was sober. I thought nothing of it and that it would go away in a few days, well here I am 3 months later lol. I experience most of the general visual effects people describe e.g. visual snow, trails behind moving objects and objects changing color/shape, but mostly breathing/undulating walls/objects. If I stop concentrating on something for 1 second the room surrounding me begins to close in, and wont stop until I look at something else. This makes it very difficult to watch tv or relax in general and im kinda freaking out haha. Also, Ive just completed my exams at school but im afraid i will have failed them the symptoms became much more serious in the exam room and it was hard to concentrate. Also, the effects become much more prevolent when using weed, and the visuals are almost indistinguishable from LSD when using mdma. Thanks for reading guys hope you can provide some insight
  32. 2 points
    You sound somewhat like me. It's been six months, and I can tell you one thing for sure. It gets much much better. In retrospect, I was really shaken and worried and never thought I'd reach this point. So firstly, don't worry - the body and mind are complex and they take time. Just help the process by eating nutritious food, exercise (which you already are doing) and reducing caffeine intake. I would also strongly recommend meditation. I can't possibly explain how much it has helped me. You could probably just download an app to help you get started quickly. I'd suggest the app 'Headspace'. For me, apart from starbursts and very slight sensitivity to light almost all symptoms have gone away. Continue with absolutely not smoking pot. And try staying away from alcohol too, because it does hinder the recovery process, but yeah I did end up drinking a couple of times. Keep yourself occupied and don't worry bud. :)
  33. 2 points
    Just wanted to update that this symptom has basically disappeared by now.
  34. 2 points
    Hi Alex. I have what you describe when you look at carpets. With me it happens when I look at anything with a fine grain (sand, cement, textured ceilings, etc.). I used to have intense CEVs which have cleared up but it took a long time. Note, I dosed hundreds of times so it's not a surprise. I'm not familiar with the chemical you've ingested but I'm assuming it's a psychedelic. Your symptoms sure sound like hppd to me. However, I'm not a doctor or an expert on the topic. I've just had it for a long time. You're doing the right thing by refraining from psychoactive substances. Because you've only dosed a few times I think you have a better chance at recovering. You're also taking care of your body which, for me, helped a lot. Also, the fact that the symptoms fade at times sounds like an excellent sign. My visuals are constant unless I'm focused on something like driving, work, or a hobby where I use my hands. Above all, don't despair! Even if your symptoms don't entirely go away you can live a wonderful and productive life. Hang in there.
  35. 2 points
    If you can avoid drugs, alcohol and stress for the next few months... I think you will start to see improvements.
  36. 2 points
    It's easy to be pessimistic but there's lots of reason to believe HPPD will gain traction in the public eye soon and therefore generate funding, research and a possible cure. First off, the number of people who have HPPD is likely much larger than any of us think and as Visual Snow Syndrome comes into the public conscious many more will likely come out and share their stories. Also, with the renewed interest in studying LSD and other drugs for scientific purposes there will be more awareness of its dangers, including HPPD, which could lead to more interest from the scientific community. And finally, there's just way more awareness of mental health problems in general these days and with an increasing number of states in the U.S. legalizing weed it's only a matter of time before people report more cases of panic attacks leading to DP-DR and HPPD symptoms as well. The biggest problem right now, as I've stated before, is that there's no unity between the Visual Snow Syndrome community, the HPPD community and the DP-DR community. These disorders all overlap and to some extent seem to be cut from the same cloth yet because they're fragmented there's no real opportunity to gain momentum, awareness and funding. It would be greatly beneficial if these communities could somehow come together, acknowledge their similarities and work together to bring awareness to our struggles. There are so many smart and capable people, but unfortunately these conditions are so crippling I think people are often hesitant to try and make stuff happen.
  37. 2 points
    You're basically giving yourself two choices: Smoke weed so you can fit in and risk having severe stress and HPPD the rest of your life, or be open with your friends about your condition, how you're struggling and how you can't do any drugs, and recover and live a normal life again. Try and take a step back and realize how short sighted it would be to smoke again and risk damaging your brain forever.
  38. 2 points
    May 8 will be my two-year anniversary of taking the LSD that gave me HPPD. I remember when I first got HPPD thinking the acid was just hanging around in my system, sorta like a hangover, and that I just needed to give it a few days and it'd be gone. Then days turned into weeks and after two weeks I started to get a bit concerned. I saw a local therapist who had no clue what to do with me and then I eventually saw a psychiatrist who tried to help me with meds which didn't work either. I remember, despite being in a completely surreal 2-D world that resembled a video game more than real life, that I was always hopeful. I thought even though meds didn't help me that there was no way I was going to let this condition beat me, that I'd recover by the end of the summer. Then the months just kept adding up, one after the other after the other. I thought at first six months would be more than enough time to heal, then nine and then a year passed, and now here I am at two years. And I just can't believe it. I truly look at the last 24 months and they seem more like a dream than real life. But perhaps this is because, thanks to DP-DR, it's as if I've been living in a dream every day. I even remember when I first got HPPD actually thinking I was dreaming when I was awake -- that's how bad it was. I've had classic HPPD symptoms this whole time: palinopsia, visual snow, DP-DR, brain fog, tinnitus, etc. Some symptoms, however, are far worse than others. Even though my snow is still fairly prominent I hardly care about it. It's the DP that's the worst, without question. Anybody who doesn't have DP symptoms should be thankful because I'm here to tell you it's a nightmare. I've also had terrible macropsia where objects that are closer appear bigger and my eyes can't really focus on them without getting double vision. Thankfully after two years I've made more than enough progress to be in a position where I can cope day to day, and in general I'm able to go about my day without thinking too much about my condition. When I first got HPPD I literally couldn't go a few minutes without noticing something. Human-to-human interaction was always the worst because not only did people appear lager and more surreal, but my brain couldn't handle back-and-fourth conversations, much less witty banter that I consider the foundation of my persona. I truly can't imagine anything more traumatic than going through severe HPPD. Trauma comes in many different shapes and sizes, but it's the severity and length of HPPD that makes it so unique. Even though I've recovered tremendously since first getting HPPD, even though I've run hundreds of miles, done everything in my power to stimulate my brain, entirely altered my diet and health, read numerous books on brain science and general health and recovery, and prayed to God even though I'm agnostic, it's just no match for HPPD -- not one single bit. And so I've often thought: This is not something we were ever meant to simply get over, to simply heal from after a given amount of time. This condition, whatever it is, is completely and entirely ruthless and stubborn and unrelenting. It just seems like a monstrous boulder that you can't move no matter how hard you push. Whatever it is that's gone wrong in our brains is really, really serious and really, really bad. Not knowing what's gone wrong inside your head and not having anybody to help you or tell you how to heal is a complete health nightmare, on top of the fact that it's so terribly difficult to cope with this condition on a day to day basis. I tip my hat to those veteran HPPDers who've dealt with this for decades. You poor souls are some tough sons a bitches and will likely never get the credit you deserve for having fought this day after day, month after month, year after year -- but I salute you, as do many on this forum. The phrase I keep repeating to myself right now is "I just can't believe it." I just can't believe this happened to me. I can't believe I'm still alive after everything I've been through. I can't believe this was possible in the first place. I can't believe, after two years, that I still have a long ways to go. But the good thing is I'm finally in a place where I can handle this condition. No, I'm not "recovered," but I've healed a lot and though I still have a ways to go I feel I'm finally over the hump, that it's mostly downhill from here even though I'll still struggle and have tough days. I guess after years of giving myself time to heal and understand what I'm dealing with I finally know. I'm one of those people who will take years to recover, maybe three, maybe five, maybe even more. But I still have faith, just as I did the first day I woke up in a totally different reality, that I'll one day be me again. In closing, I'd just like to say, to all those who are in the darkest place imaginable, darker than anything you ever even thought existed: keep fighting. Keep going. Don't stop. When you stop, you die, maybe not literally on a macro scale, but certainly inside, somewhere in your soul or deep inside your brain. I've been there, as have so many others with this condition, and I'm here to tell you life goes on. It gets better. And given the seemingly exponential development in brain science, you should have more hope than ever that someday soon we'll get treatment. Perhaps no cure for a while, but I have great faith we will be anonymous no more, that we will soon see our day in the sun. Sending love to all those who are in pain, Keep fighting and never give up, It will get better, It will get better, -- K.B.
  39. 2 points
    Just thought I'd post this video since its apt to the discussion at hand and mentions the site Sara has linked to above:
  40. 2 points
    Was just browsing Google for LSD-related articles when I stumbled upon this from about five years ago: https://blogs.scientificamerican.com/scicurious-brain/httpblogsscientificamericancomscicurious-brain20110802sciam-chemistry-day-lsd-a-drug-only-as-good-as-its-receptors/ Pretty interesting summary of the brain on LSD. I'm not sure if there's been more in depth studies since then but I feel this is a good starting point for those who don't understand what happens inside the brain on acid.
  41. 2 points
    It's definitely interesting for our group... If we can start to pinpoint areas of overactivity, we can then look to target them with meds, magnets, electrics etc
  42. 2 points
    For me meditation has been extremely helpful. The practice allows me to intercept intrusive thoughts. When some negative thought arrives I can recognize it as being part of me, even welcome it, but i can choose not to unpack the contents of the thought. Over time the negative thoughts don't get exercised and the mental pathways on which they arrive start to atrophy. Just like learning to play a musical instrument, you need to practice.
  43. 2 points
    I do my meditation practice almost every day and have been doing so for a long time. It helps with mental focus and my hppd is much less pronounced when I'm focused. But that's me. I doubt it can do any harm. You mentioned being 40 years older. It goes by in a flash. Time is strange stuff!
  44. 2 points
    That's great drugs have enabled you to see the world differently but if you don't stop them now you might be that way permanently! Only you can decide what's best for yourself in the longrun but I'd urge you to at least give yourself a break for a while to see if your symptoms persist and to see how much you enjoy it. If you think life is pleasurable with 24-7 visual snow, patterns, headaches, etc., then by all means continue doing drugs. If not, then you might want to steer clear of the drug scene until you're completely healthy, or better yet, forever! You only get one life and one body. You might want to think twice before potentially damaging both forever!
  45. 2 points
    Just because you get symptoms slowly doesn't mean it isn't neurodegeneration. Many neurodegenerative diseases like Alzheimer's and Parkinson's come on slowly over the course of years and even decades. Last week a member of this forum posted a link to the first published study I'm aware of that proved hallucinogens can be neurotoxic: https://www.researchgate.net/publication/14821234_Degeneration_of_Purkinje_cells_in_parasagittal_zones_of_the_cerebellar_vermin_after_treatment_with_Ibogaine_or_harmaline So we now know hallucinogens have the ability to cause necrosis, aka cell death. In addition, we also know many people who get HPPD suffer from anxiety. Science has confirmed that with increased stress follows increased cortisol which creates a surplus of the transmitter glutamate: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3181836/ In addition, we know glutamate produces free radicals which attack and kill brain cells: https://link.springer.com/article/10.1134%2FS000635090905011X But glutamate is also excitotoxic, activating and killing NMDA receptors, which are the same receptors targeted in certain hallucinogenic drugs: https://www.sciencedaily.com/terms/excitotoxicity.htm Finally, it's thought glutamate is the missing link to signal necrosis after ischemia (loss of oxygen) wherein during even a very brief episode of blood loss glutamate is activated and thus triggers cell death: http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0301008213001305 On the topic of blood flow, it's also been noted how LSD and other hallucinogens can decrease blood circulation in certain parts of the brain: http://www.nature.com/news/brain-scans-reveal-how-lsd-affects-consciousness-1.19727 I'm just saying, between anxiety and chemical drugs there's plenty of potential for excess glutamate, loss of blood flow and a possible triggering of necrosis. When I saw a neurologist this past winter he said he didn't know what happened to me but that I had symptoms of a stroke. I also know that in the weeks leading up to taking LSD I had a period of extreme anxiety where I didn't hardly sleep for about 10 days. It was without question the worst acute stretch of anxiety I've ever had. So for me there almost had to be some sort of a glutamate overload, and I assume for those who suffered from anxiety already prior to taking drugs or had a really bad trip that triggered an incredible release of anxiety and glutamate there's a good chance they were in the same boat as I was.
  46. 2 points
    I'd echo what Unlucky said. Don't do drugs, not in eight months, not ever. It's just not worth it. Think about it: You either get high for a few hours with friends or potentially spend a lifetime cognitively impaired, depressed, anxiety ridden, wishing you could just go back in time to that day you messed it all up forever. As many people on this forum will tell you, drugs have been the worst thing to ever happen to them.
  47. 2 points
    Look I'm going to blunt but it's needed in this situation. This advice could save your life. QUIT DRUGS or sooner or later you will end up on this site for a very long time. I was in a situation were I felt off after MDMA, passed it off as something that would pass, I smoked weed and I ended up in very very dark place. It's been 6 months and there is finally light at the end of the tunnel for me. You may not be so lucky. If you really want drugs wait at least a year. But keep it minimal.
  48. 2 points
    I can relate to a lot of what you've been through. I also used to be very charismatic, well spoken, etc., only to become virtually mute for large stretches at a time while dealing with this. At first I didn't have problems with slurring or finding the right words, but now that my hormones are out of whack I also struggle with that as well. Speech problems are a common symptom of brain damage so it's not like you're experiencing anything abnormal. Honestly, I think you're actually in a good position in terms of trying to heal. At such a young age your brain is more malleable and eager to repair whatever went wrong, just as long as you stay away from drugs and stress, eat healthy, etc. School can give you something to focus on, trying to get good grades and learn. Don't worry too much about what's down the road as you have plenty of time to recover. Also, try not to be concerned with what other people think of you. That's common for young people but you'll quickly realize it's also pointless and more harmful to your own happiness and well being. That said, if you've already had this for seven months chances are you're gonna have it for a while longer. Just remember that time is a powerful healer of many things and don't ever give up even when you think you've lost all hope and can't take the pain any longer. I've been there far too many times and am very happy I haven't caved in!
  49. 2 points
    I hate when they say that trying to minimize or negate your experiences. Maybe they have some small distortions like most people do (floaters or something) and they say.. "yeah, I have that too". Fuck off!
  50. 2 points
    ive been distracting myself from the fact that im perma static/floaters for like 5-6 months since i got hppd. i smoked a hit of OG kush and all the repressed thoughts/feelings/anxiety is waiting for me at full force. i am doing deep breathing right now. yesterday, i avoided a hot panick attack. ive also only got 2 hours of sleep in the past 20 or so hours. this feeling of submerging panick is waiting to be released, but I dont know how. I Feel like this is the time to accept it. i should be dealing with it on my own, but i depend on this site in a way. so im gonna take deep breaths and take a shower. since i had panic attack syptoms yesterday, this morning my brain felt worn out and fatigued. so i ate kale and other vegetables and bacon lol. well shit im high(havent smoked in 4 days, little tolerance), so im just going to at least try to accept it. deep breaths and logic. i just dont think my brain can take much more fatigue since im tired as fuck. i need sleep. yay i love being alive:) i love myself and i love every person in the world. i love all of the green plants, the furry animals and the scaly ones. i love the blue skye and the clouds. i love the feeling of the wind against my skin. i love love. i love critisism. i love hppd. it forces me to get my shit togther. its just like the static on a t.v. screen. my hppd isnt bad compared to most people. i just make excuses and feel bad for myself, because I am not a man yet. in this entropic world, it is survival of the fittest. I am so strong and grateful now. I am forced to live life to its full extent, and I am grateful for it. Panic is for when lions and tigers are glaring at me. I am perfectly safe and enjoy my freedom. life has much to offer, but such a small amount of time is a human lifespan. death is a part of life. I will one day, in maybe 50 years, greet death with a bearhug. For I've adapted to its unfairness. But for now, I am going to love myself and love what I have become. thoughts are just thoughts. they are an evolutionary mechanism to survive. All I need is self control(deep breathing) , positive self talk, Life is hard, and I enjoy it. I would not have it any other way. Easy is boring. I am going to be such a strong person. Quit all of my addictions/vices/dependancies. treat myself with respect and every thing with respect. I am not in a war zone. I am not firing guns in a war. But I am gifted with having to face a challenge. Logic is so easy. it is a yes or a no. that and breathing . mental battles are tough, but only as tough as I allow it to be. Mental battles increase my mental strength. I have faith in myself that I can overcome this obsticle. I just have to pick and pick at it, one step at a time. I have the ability to construct my reality. I appreciate my past use of psychadelics as they made me wise and self-realized. I learned insights. Nothing lasts forever. And thats beautiful. I can not take a psychadelic ever again, including dxm or ketamine or cigarettes or caffiene or whatever. Thats awesome. I love myself. I am grateful for this computer. I am scared, and that is okay. I need sleep. So I am going to take a shower, then go to sleep. And I am grateful for the gift of HPPDONLINE. I learned so much about HPPD to the extent that I know what to do to be happy and content. I want any other fellows of my kind to have hope. do things that you know are right. Engage in relaxation breathing, meditation, yoga, and excersize like running or skateboarding or swimming or hanging out in nature or dancing or singing or poetry or love or help somone. those all increase love. and love creates passion. passion creates motivation. motivation increases purpose. purpose increases self love. and the cycle keeps on going. I am sorry that we all have to deal with this neuralogical anomaly, but I have to let go of the sorrow. Because I actually do love what hppd has made me become. I have so many revelations because of it. like the ones stated here. this is all coming from the heart. human bodies can withstand sooo much. think about it, how broken bones can heal. how people survive heart attacks. how people get FUCKING HEART TRANSPLANTS. i am accepting it, its just taking time. anyways shout out to all the long term HPPD members. shout out to all of the new members. I am here if anyone would like to talk or I could try to give them advice by digging deep. besides i actually love my hppd. i get to experience in a unique way. it helped me realize that not everything is what it seems. All I need to do is practice relaxation breathing/ excersize/ positive thinking/gratefulness, facing other issues in life,