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  1. dukkha

    A small piece of heart advice

    Hi all, I haven't been on the boards in a year or three. I find that the less I think about HPPD the less it affects me. And, similarly, the more I'm on the boards, the more the conversations and discussions here loop through my head, and the more frequently HPPD dominates my thoughts. But today I decided to stop by. Why? I wanted to share a small piece of advice. Honestly, I had been thinking of doing this for a while but for some reason, it was so incredibly hard for me to open this forum and log in. Anyways, here I am now. What I want to share is what has worked for me and is what continues to help me. I speak to you from experience. I've found that the less I think of HPPD as a "thing" and the less that I see myself as a "victim" the less I suffer. What that means, is that the less you let this thing called "HPPD" be what identifies you, the less power it has to affect you. I know what this sounds like. It sounds like I'm saying "don't make a big deal out of it." And yes, that actually is what I'm basically saying. And I also know how most people are going to react. "It IS a big deal" or "that's f***ing easy for you to say" and so on. And you're right. HPPD is a big fucking deal and words come easy. However, I'm also a sufferer of HPPD and I know where you are coming from. Your symptoms may be far worse than mine. Or they might not. You don't really know. There are a lot of people suffering in the world. In fact, let me retract that statement--everyone in the world is suffering. You might not be able to perceive it, but there is a not a single breathing creature on this blue planet of ours that doesn't have a considerable dose of suffering. Some people's suffering has to worn on the outside. Do you think it's easy being physically deformed? Others, those like you and me, have to bear our suffering the inside. We may look "normal" and "just fine" to others in the street, or even to family and friends around us, but the amount of suffering we have inside of us is incredible. Indeed, it's mind boggling. And similarly, when we go out in the streets, on the subway, or for a drive and see all the other people going about their lives, you don't know--their suffering may be absolute nothing compared to yours. Or, it may not. Maybe you're is but a bit of spare change compared theirs. You just don't know. A person who has a toothache thinks that is theirs is the most painful type of suffering that can happen to you and the person who has a headache thinks that's theirs is the most painful type of suffering that can happen to you. That's whats called being human. We are all so incredibly self-centered and absorbed in ourselves. So naturally, us HPPDers think that HPPD is the most awful thing that can happen to someone. And maybe that's true. Or maybe it's not. All I know is that I wouldn't wish HPPD on even my worst enemy. But let me get back to my point about not letting HPPD become your identity. Once that happens, once HPPD becomes you and you become HPPD, it's over. Game over. You've started a cycle where you continually feed HPPD and it's ceaselessly grows in power over you. The more you think about it, the more it becomes real. The more you obsess over it, the most it becomes solid. Of course, it's hard not to think about it when the room is melting and and the anxiety feels like it literally about to give you a heart attack. But have you ever wondered why Xanax is so effective. I've noticed that after coming off a panic attack due to xanax my mind is completely clear, like a blue sky without a single cloud. The drug cuts through the snowball effect between the visuals and your anxious thoughts and suddenly you're back to neutral. And after pure hell, what a beautiful place that is to find yourself. And that is the state we have to cultivate. That is the state of mind that we have to start trying to inhabit if we want to live again. And that is where I am now, to be quite honest. I used to be in the deepest reaches of hell and thought I'd never come back. And I'm not cured today either. Hell no. HPPD visuals are always there and will always be there with me for the rest of my life. That is one thing I know for certain. However I consider myself cured because, except for the occasional anxiety attack, I can live and I can be happy. Of course, the visuals are always there if I chose to look for them. But for the most part, I don't pay them any mind. Sorry, visauls, but I'm not going to give you the time of day. So that is how I don't let myself become a HPPD victim. I don't let myself think that I'm the unluckiest person on earth who had to get this terrible disorder when all my friends didn't and still trip all the time. I just see myself as a average guy, just another human being, who happens to have screwy vision and anxiety. Nothing more. If you can start to think of yourself like that, that is exactly what you will become. Likewise, if you think about of yourself as the person on earth with the most suffering, that is EXACTLY what you will be. A guy who seems himself as just another fucked-up guy can go out in to the world. He may be a little awkward, but he can still enjoy the joys and sorrows of life. A guy who see himself as a HPPD Victim has to stay inside his tiny room and suffer as the walls close in upon him. So you have a choice. My choice, and my advice to you, is to not think of yourself as the worst, the unluckiest, or most miserable person out there--even if that is exactly how you feel. When you start to change your mind, you start to change your experience. And hey, you might not be at the bottom anyways. There are a million different ways we can suffer in this crazy world and HPPD is but just one of them. I've been on these boards for ... damn... is it almost eight years now? Maybe more. And there haven't been that many people who killed themselves or died. The only I can remember is Andy, the UK fellow who was a Buddhist. I'm sure there might have been more but compare that with the teenage girl who got blackmailed until her nude photos got leaked online and she committed suicide. Or the people recently in India who lost their life savings when the 500 and 1,000 rupee notes got canceled over night and their family founds them dead the next day. In fact, I have heard a lot more success stories on this board than deaths. So, please, all I want to say is be gentle with yourself. Everyone is suffering too so don't think you're so damn special for having HPPD. You don't know. Maybe one day you'll be like a lot of others on this board who are back to living again. Maybe not. But I think a lot of that depends on you. I'm sorry for my blabbering but this is what has made a serious, long-term improvement in my quality of life, more than drugs or anything else could. I felt terribly guilty not trying to at least say something that might even just help one person even in the tiniest way. I doubt that it has but still I'm glad I finally got up the confidence to log on today and write whatever came to mind. Feel free to take my advice but also feel free to call it bullshit and chuck it out as you see fit. That's all up to you and it honestly don't make one bit of difference to me what you do. You're the one who has to bear the results. I'll make my choices and bear their results. Anways, I'll be back in some time. Please know that I pray for each and every one of your on the boards daily. I'm not sure if helps relieve your suffering but its the best I can do. -Dukkha
    3 Points
  2. K.B.Fante

    Need some light and comfort really

    I'd echo what Unlucky said. Don't do drugs, not in eight months, not ever. It's just not worth it. Think about it: You either get high for a few hours with friends or potentially spend a lifetime cognitively impaired, depressed, anxiety ridden, wishing you could just go back in time to that day you messed it all up forever. As many people on this forum will tell you, drugs have been the worst thing to ever happen to them.
    2 Points
  3. Unlucky

    Need some light and comfort really

    Look I'm going to blunt but it's needed in this situation. This advice could save your life. QUIT DRUGS or sooner or later you will end up on this site for a very long time. I was in a situation were I felt off after MDMA, passed it off as something that would pass, I smoked weed and I ended up in very very dark place. It's been 6 months and there is finally light at the end of the tunnel for me. You may not be so lucky. If you really want drugs wait at least a year. But keep it minimal.
    2 Points
  4. I'm also doing an Engineering and fucked up around your age. My first year, with HPPD, was pretty successful academically so I continued taking drugs... Second year was a total failure and it took me two years to recover and feel confident again in my capabilities. I should have finished last year but I'm finishing this one, not bad at all but certainly not what I was expecting. Continue abstaining and don't ever go back to using drugs. For me alcohol was a big problem and it messes my HPPD more than MDMA. Please, don't fuck up your future. Consider going to a psychologist or psychiatrist. Take a look at CBT if you don't want to go to a professional. I assure you that time and healthy habits is all you need. Meditation, CBT, healthy food, exercise, study, socialization.. Even if you don't feel confident, get out there and go for it. Good luck!! I'm starting again because I messed up and got totally into drugs for 4 months.
    2 Points
  5. I can relate to a lot of what you've been through. I also used to be very charismatic, well spoken, etc., only to become virtually mute for large stretches at a time while dealing with this. At first I didn't have problems with slurring or finding the right words, but now that my hormones are out of whack I also struggle with that as well. Speech problems are a common symptom of brain damage so it's not like you're experiencing anything abnormal. Honestly, I think you're actually in a good position in terms of trying to heal. At such a young age your brain is more malleable and eager to repair whatever went wrong, just as long as you stay away from drugs and stress, eat healthy, etc. School can give you something to focus on, trying to get good grades and learn. Don't worry too much about what's down the road as you have plenty of time to recover. Also, try not to be concerned with what other people think of you. That's common for young people but you'll quickly realize it's also pointless and more harmful to your own happiness and well being. That said, if you've already had this for seven months chances are you're gonna have it for a while longer. Just remember that time is a powerful healer of many things and don't ever give up even when you think you've lost all hope and can't take the pain any longer. I've been there far too many times and am very happy I haven't caved in!
    2 Points
  6. Onemorestep

    keppra safety?

    I was wondering if anyone here has experienced permanent negative changes from using Keppra. I have a prescription and the success stories give me such hope of recovering some semblance of a normal life.... But I'm worried. Specifically because keppra is a racetam and oxiracetam and coluracetam made my HPPD 10000x worse permanently after stopping them suddenly. (At first they seemed to cure? Static, warping gone. Old memory back and ability to feel positive emotions back) The question I'm asking myself is if I can afford to feel worse to which I answer no but... Can I afford to not feel better? It's been a year since I entered what I feel is the second tier of HPPD hell and I often feel like I shouldn't be alive. I'm not sure how much more my soul can take of this. Since the mechanism of action for both keppra and most racetams are pretty unknown does anyone have any advice or knowledge about their similarities or differences?
    2 Points
  7. boozebome

    Dating and HPPD

    I hate when they say that trying to minimize or negate your experiences. Maybe they have some small distortions like most people do (floaters or something) and they say.. "yeah, I have that too". Fuck off!
    2 Points
  8. Gaz

    London Marathon affect on HPPD

    Today I finished the london marathon. My legs are fucked but my HPPD feels reduced. During the race there was a few times where I felt disconnected from my legs (actually not a bad thing lol) and had some bad derealization. As it got more painful on my legs I noticed more symptoms like trails, colour changing etc. I think that the stress I put on my body today caused a whole host of endorphins and hormones to be released and that directly affected my HPPD. Now I have finished the race my baseline symptoms seem a lot lower than normal which is very pleasing. I wonder if hard exercise could hold a potential treatment for hppd. Has anyone else noticed anything similar when doing strenuous exercise?
    2 Points
  9. Jay1

    Advice?

    No need to quit, but just moderate it. Glad to hear you are veg... i'm vegan (I still eat doritos and oreos here and there though)
    1 Points
  10. Jay1

    Advice?

    It sounds like you are doing alot of things right... Going sober is 100% the way to go and telling your mum was a smart move, even if she is having a hard time understanding... At least she knows if you want to start heading down the medication route. Have you tried cutting other things out, like caffeine? bad food? anything else causing you stress? have you tried exercise? How did you get hppd?
    1 Points
  11. MadDoc

    Sleep Problems..

    I've had insomnia for years. One thing that worked very well is CBD oil. It's a non-psychoactive cannabinoid usually extracted from hemp. I take it about an hour before bed and without fail, I fall asleep, sleep through the night, and wake up refreshed. Very gentle stuff.
    1 Points
  12. WOLF70M

    Thank You HPPD

    Hey guys, I haven't been on this site in quite some time, but I was reflecting on the past 6 years of perceptual disturbances and thought that I would write a post that may shed a different light on HPPD. I am very thankful that HPPD has become a part of my life(yes, even when I start melting or the room keeps changing sizes). I'm sure by this point many of you are thinking "wow, this guy is fucked in the head" , but let me elaborate a bit more. At this point in my life I am happy, I love who I am, and I am in a great place despite my visual and tactile disturbances not wavering in the slightest. Pre-HPPD, however, I could say none of the good things I listed above. I lived my life constantly brushing my anxiety, depression, and insomnia under the rug like it didn't exist. HPPD amplified these problems to a point where I could no longer just pass them off. It forced me to change. I had to open up to people about myself and my problems like I never had to before. I had to focus on the things that I could control (anxiety, depression) rather than the things that were out of my hands(perceptual disturbances). This was not an easy process at all. I struggled immensely for a year before I developed the coping skills I needed to allow myself to be happy. One of the biggest turning points for me was when I was finally able to forgive myself for the long series of decisions I made to get myself caught up in in everything. I fortunately haven't had any other trauma in my life, but that almost made it harder to forgive myself for creating such a traumatic event for myself all because I wanted to get high. I also thin that it was important that I accepted the fact that HPPD was a part of me; this is the way I see things now and that ok. In fact its more than ok! I have a hugely different perspective on life than I did before and I think that is one of my biggest assets in life. I couldn't imagine where I would be if HPPD didn't come into my life (probably still getting high off of stupid shit all of the time with no future plans). HPPD helped me figure out what I wanted to do with my life (though I almost dropped out because of it) HPPD is the reason I became a social worker and have a great job that I love HPPD helped me learn the communication skills I needed to open up to someone and have an actual meaningful relationship with someone HPPD stopped me from doing drugs allowing me to eventually become an all-american in cross country. HPPD taught me how to enjoy life while coping with insomnia, depression, and anxiety HPPD made me the man I am today I used to blame HPPD for making my life miserable, but now I see it as an integral part of my life. Wish you guys all the best. - Josh
    1 Points
  13. K.B.Fante

    Are these true symptoms

    Yeah, sounds like you're verging on Depersonalization-Derealization symptoms more than HPPD. Jay can probably answer this better than I, but my interpretation of HPPD was that it's mostly visual disturbances: streamers, trails, halos, visual snow, flickering, changes in color, breathing textures and surfaces, closed-eye visuals (CEVs), etc. Lots of people end up getting DP symptoms along with HPPD, and visa versa, so you could be someone who just has more DP than HPPD.
    1 Points
  14. piper83

    Propranolol

    I found it helped my anxiety. It didnt affect my symptoms during or after. I couldnt sleep while I was on it though so only lasted a few days on it.
    1 Points
  15. Unlucky

    My heart goes out to you all

    After spending a few hours lurking this site to find experiences that match my own. I just want to log in with a rare post and say my heart goes out to you all, After dealing with this for almost 6 months (no time at all for some of the long term sufferers) with HPPD, it's been and still is the toughest part of my life. Keep on fighting guys/girls, hopefully for some there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. Just stay off the drugs guys, anyone cannot even possibly hope to recovery if you are all using, get a grip and get off them!!
    1 Points
  16. K.B.Fante

    Worried I may actually have the start of MS

    Don't get a head of yourself. There's tons of common conditions out there with the same symptoms you mentioned. I have a thyroid issue and experienced most all the symptoms you mention this past summer: numbness in my legs, twitching muscles, frequent urination, poor memory (I have totally given up reading for the last few months), and on down the line. Just schedule an appointment with a doctor to get some blood tests run before you jump to conclusions and scare yourself silly.
    1 Points
  17. Jay1

    My symptoms

    This is an interesting point and one we should always keep in mind.. Internally, it seems like we must stand out as completely crazy to other people.... But everyone has their own shit to deal with and are not actively hunting our signs of anxiety, depression etc. I've had people tell me that i'm super laid back and friendly and i'm almost laughing inside, because most of the time my anxiety is trying to force me to lock myself in a room and speak to nobody.
    1 Points
  18. boozebome

    A small piece of heart advice

    You're right. If you allow me can I do a TL;DR ? -------------------------- Focusing on the HPPD will make nothing but increase your symptoms and maybe even create new ones. Identifying yourself with HPPD will make it more difficult to grow out of it. HPPD is one of the many events that could have happened in your life, some are better and some are worse. Maybe that night a beautiful girl could have blown you, or maybe the friend who was driving you home crashed and killed you all. HPPD takes time, but it improves. And even if it doesn't, you learn how to live with it. Think of all the people with debilitating diseases that keep fighting, do it yourself too! ---------------------------
    1 Points
  19. rotbart

    Speech problems (and a short introduction of myself)

    Hello guys, I'm new to this forum and I've developed HPPD ~7 months ago, mostely from 2-CB and MDMA. I have abstained from psychoactive substance use completely since, excluding alcohol. Things haven't gotten better, rather a bit worse. I have relatively moderate visuals and I have gotten to the point where I can say that I would be okay with living with them forever (while they still annoy me everyday and make some things challenging, for example working with excel or reading on a computer screen). The things that annoy me most are DP/DR, cognitive impairment and my social anxiety which has gotten 5 times worse with HPPD. One of the worst symptoms of all these are my speech problems. I often can't find the right words and slurr them... my mouth just feels "different" and somehow heavy - it's hard to describe, I think that has to do with DP/DR. Speaking is now a demanding task for me. It is really humilitating in front of people, especially in front of groups.I often think to myself that they must believe I'm retarded or sth or simply born with a speech disorder, which is definitely not the case. It greatly hurts my self esteem. It has gotten to the point where I'm fearful of speaking and I'm overthinking it, which makes the problem even worse. I used to be a very good speaker, I was always very precise in how I would articulate myself, how I would choose certain words and formulate my thoughts.. many friends used to state this as an exceptional skill of mine. I think it definitely has to do with my social anxiety, DP/DR and the fact that I'm fatigued most of the day - physically and mentally. But I also feel like I have simply lost some of my ability to speak correctly. Sadly, things have only gotten very slighty better with time, but there are also periods where I really think that I have improved and the words "flow" like they used to be.. but then I'm quickly back to a really shitty baseline. The fact that makes this issue even worse is that I'm 19 years old and am about to study Engineering (Maschinenbau). I'm from Germany and I was interested in Technology since my early childhood, so this is a big dream of mine. I also have good grades, good requirements overall.. but then there's my HPPD. It has made me fearful of studying and the social aspects (having to find friends at the start and so on, especially with the speech prolbems) of it.. no to speak of employment later in life where I would most likely be in some team leading position. I should also add that I'm quite depressed since all of this started - that's why this post might seem a little pessimistic. But I'm definitly trying to think positive and hoping for improvement So, my question would be: Has anyone else experienced something similar regarding the speech issues? Best regards from Lower Saxony, Germany! Please excuse spelling and grammatical errors.
    1 Points
  20. K.B.Fante

    Hppd help

    I have pretty similar symptoms. I have visual snow but that hardly bothers me. I also have mild afterimages (unless I look at something really bright, like the sun) but those don't bother me as much either. What's killed me over the last few years since getting HPPD is motion. My brain can't track anything that moves whatsoever and virtually everything leaves some form of a trail (LED lights, as you mention, are the absolute worst). Through dieting, exercise and drug abstinence I've made significant improvements and truth be told I'm starting to get closer to "normal" vision but I still have a ways to go. If I were you I'd stop doing drugs immediately in order to give yourself a chance at recovery.
    1 Points
  21. K.B.Fante

    Flumazenil - a way to reverse benzo tolerance?

    Benzos have made my symptoms slightly better but they're no cure, obviously. Also, I got hooked on them and went cold turkey and couldn't sleep for a few months which was a disaster. I think benzos can be useful for stressful situations but I think people need to explore other treatment options before they risk getting hooked. As far as the new growth goes, I know antidepressants do the same thing as well. I think people are better off going with an antidepressant that doesn't worsen symptoms rather than benzos due to the health risks.
    1 Points
  22. Thanks mate. I know from last time that it gets better with time so am trying to draw strength from that. Totally agree about not dwelling on mistakes although it's not easy. Forgot to say that the first time I got this I had some CBT sessions which really helped. Obviously makes no difference to the neurological shit going on, but can help in managing how you react to the symptoms. My therapist was great at highlighting how pointless it was to dwell on the past, or to catastrophise about the future. This is essential for staying sane with this condition - you can drive yourself mad going over old regrets or fears for the future.
    1 Points
  23. Jagermeister

    so how was 2016 for you?

    Estoy muy contento de ver a su historia. El mío es bastante similares que usted !!!! :)Estoy trabajando como chef en un restaurante de mi barrio ... y mi jefe y los socios de trabajo (que son 3 chicas) están muy contentos conmigo. Cuando empecé, yo era el ayudante del chef. Yo estaba muy ansiosa y tenía mucho miedo ... cómo hacer algo ... ¿Cómo Damm yo hacer el bien mi trabajo, prestar atención a todas las creaciones de alimentos, mantenimiento y supplu de casas almacenes, pedidos, incendios ... y todo lo que puede imaginar estar director / primer chef ?? Ahora, después de 3 meses, lo estoy haciendo muy bien mi trabajo, solo trabajando como chef. Tengo ascenso . Y ganar dinero. He estado aprendiendo lo que comentas, vivir otra vez con mi perspectiva. Por supuesto que todavía tengo problemas cognitivos, pero se jodan, yo me prometió volver a vivir y eso es lo que estoy haciendo. Ahora tengo dinero, me quedo con mucho ... Quiero volar, quiero de nuevo los viajes, la compra de ropa bonita, que tiene momentos realmente divertidos y belleza con mi hermano pequeño, mi familia .... También tengo momentos en los que pienso, lo Damm que estoy haciendo aquí? Lo que llegué aquí lol, pero es sólo unos minutos ... normalmente me controlo. Trato de hacer mi día withouth ansiedad y paso a paso para no perderse a mí mismo a través de tareas difíciles y .... La ansiedad puede hacer que se sienta realmente desconectado. Estoy de acuerdo con el deporte y dormir bien. Puedo ejecutar todos los días 15 minutos (En mi opinión cuando se tiene HPPD que tiene que hacer pequeñas cosas, todo en exceso es malo ...) y dormir 7-9 horas . Im muy feliz de ver que está recibiendo su espalda en vivo, y muy feliz de ver que se casaron! :PTambién espero algún día para conseguir una relación ... y enamorarse de nuevo ... Ahora voy a salir de una relación tóxica que tuve con una chica de mi país, que tiene HPPD :)Ahora tengo mi dinero y lo uso todo forme mi tiempo y mi familia lol. Ya sabes, Casino. Unas copas con mis pequeños bro / amigos. Comer bien y deliciosa comida. El pago attetion a mis aficiones (He comprado un buen PC y jugar de nuevo en línea, la compra de ropa agradable de llevar y deporte) y ser feliz. No más. Eso es suficiente por ahora. Déjeme que le diga. De su niño futuro, que no tendrían un mejor padre. Usted es un buen hombre que está haciendo realmente el mejor está en él las manos, por lo que, no tienen miedo. Me repito todos los días. No nos estamos haciendo mal, así, no vamos a ser un vegetal. Estamos cada vez, lo que significa que usted tendrá más estrategias para afrontar la situación, e incluso le haremos caso de todas las mierdas de HPPD. Es extraño para mí y es interessting para mí mi pequeño secreto, nadie sabe mi condición, eso me hace muy seguro de mí. Casi me siento disconfort cuando estoy con otras personas. Soy yo. No más. Soy lo que soy y nada ni nadie puede decir nada Buena suerte a todos ustedes amigos y FELIZ CHRISTMASSSSSSSS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! XX PD: i'm spanish boy. sorry if i wrotte some bad words in english! :^*
    1 Points
  24. Guyindubai

    pharmacogenomics test

    Has anyone done pharmacogenomics test? does this work for us?
    1 Points
  25. Guyindubai

    Keppra

    Doctor answered, he said to stop brintlex and not Keppra.. he said cold turky since im on it for 22 days.. time for hell...
    1 Points
  26. Onemorestep

    Hydroxyzine

    Do not takeeeeee. Has the potential to permanently make HPPD worse.
    1 Points
  27. Onemorestep

    Dating and HPPD

    Relationships have always helped me somewhat and hurt me in other ways. I tend to get overly attached and sync my self esteem and entire personality with the person. They become part of how I view my self and that, combined with anxiety about not being good enough, leaves me anxious about abandonment. This can cause me to feel jealous or controlling. Plus I tend to rely on them too much as my main form of social interaction because it's easier than putting myself out socially as I'm incredibly uncomfortable and apathetic about social interaction. Lastly, when I was still smoking pot and drinking I had quite a temper. I never physically abused anyone but man I could blow my top. It's taken me a few years to get my anger more under control since I used to never get angry. I actually have a script for keppra but I'm too terrified to try it because I've heard of the rage issues :/ These problems were there before HPPD they just are harder to control when I'm dealing with feeling like I want to die >_< Relationships can be a fool for personal growth and betterment or a trap that leaves you destitute. I hope to be able to balance my personal responsibilities and a relationship one day but who knows. My therapist told me recently that I had started to look at my relationships with others as a third identity seperate from myself and them and that's a good thing. I tend to agree, because when I think of the health of a relationship as a third entity I'm better able to properly manage it and not be selfish/put too much strain on it.
    1 Points
  28. Kellen

    Suicide. One day...

    I know this sounds horrible but I'm actually making peace with the fact that I know that's how I'm going to die. By my own hand or doing. I know one day I will have reached my limit of what I can handle. As bad as it is I'm still here. I'm still functioning on some basic level. But it's not looking good for me. I still see my self deteriorating mentally and physically. I'm bitter. I hate that I'm like this. I've done nothing to deserve this. I cry and scream. And I can accept where I am. But I can not accept this as my life. As the rest of my "life". If it doesn't improve, If I don't gain some resemblance of reality back. Of how to function, then I know in time I will put an end to it. And it kinda brings me comfort knowing I can make all of this stop. I'd feel bad for my friends and family. I have a lot of people who love me. But this cross is too hard to bare. Im here but not really here anyway. And I do suffer. DAILY. It's not about giving up hope. It's about having realistic expectations. I don't expect to get better. Only to get worse like I have been. But I'll hold off until I can't take it anymore. Until it becomes too much. Whenever that may be.
    1 Points
  29. Br0k3nS41nt

    Movement

    Throughout this ordeal my most distinct an and often most unsettling symptom is when objects, the gound, or walls will move. I shall look at a wall and the whole thing will shift and sway up and down, or like today when I woke up and my cabinets started breathing, sometimes the ground in front of me will move and wave, or the ground appear tilted up or down. Sometimes when I move and it moves differently, it makes me dizzy, it is hard to judge space I am in. I used to be able to feel this movement everywhere, this felt like a vestibular issue, this felt like a vestibular issue and the doctor I went to said probable labyrinthits, which fit the description when I felt dizzy all the time, when I felt like I was walking on a boat in stormy weather. I still find it hard to sand straight with my eyes closed, which again points to a vestibular issue, but I find it most improbable that I developed a vestibular issue and HPPD over the course of the same night. My other visual symptoms came later, afterimages increasing in duration and quantity over the first week, I noticed visual snow after like a month and a half. Do any of you perceive movement? To what extent? Is it just part of walls that breath in your visual snow, or is it like me whose walls will frequently shift up and down, the corners of computer screens shift in and out? I have never found a definite answer about the extent people with HPPD see things move that are not supposed to move. Why I worry is that I show many signs of post trauma vision syndrome (http://www.padulainstitute.com/post_trauma_vision_syndrome.htm) which can only occur after physical brain trauma or stroke, which I am damn certain I did not suffer. It can occur with MS, which can explain all my other symptoms as well, to the point where I should be setting up an MRI with a neurologies to see if it could be, but except my three month bout with true disqualibrium dizziness, I experience none of the common symptoms of MS that you can't just explain away by my anxiety level. I am just terribly confused.
    1 Points
  30. K.B.Fante

    SAM-e

    Curious if anybody's tried SAM-e for depression and if so what this did for visual symptoms. I've been on it for about a week and it's helped with depression but I do think it's increased snow a bit. On the other hand I feel a bit more in tune with reality and colors seem more vibrant. I'm going to continue to up my dose as I'm not noticing anything too negative. I'll try and update this in a week or so so given it's difficult to search for "SAM-e" on the site.
    1 Points
  31. boozebome

    I Quit Smoking Weed

    I kept playing with fire. More than one year doing drugs in a hard way after the onset of HPPD.. Recovered in weeks. Since then I didn't do as many drugs as I was trying to stop.. It's more than 7 months completely sober and in some ways I'm worse than my two weeks recovery back then. Basically, you never know when you cross the line. Maybe you do drugs every couple days for a year and you recover fast. Then you do them every couple months, and those last ones fuck you over. My point, stop while you can and get your shit together. If you don't you may find you won't be able to get it ever. Trust us, don't delude yourself. We were you, and maybe a lot worse. Delete the number of your friends who do drugs, don't talk to people about drugs or Hppd, continue with your life..
    1 Points
  32. neffbull

    List of what exaserbates HPPD

    There doesn't seem to be a master list of things that make our condition worse, both temporarily and possibly permanently, and it could be something that benefits a good deal of us. My list: Temporarily Caffeine Noopept Piracetam Wellbutrin - increased my anxiety Sleep deprivation Stress Hangovers Exercise Allergies Nitrous Oxide Permanently Not sure Also, I've attached a file that I found on this site that may be of some help. 13_Flashbacks-and-HPPD.pdf
    1 Points
  33. trip into hell

    Defenition of a cure

    its not quite true..anxiety/panic (in my case) can be a 100% eliminated since its not physical...cancer is..and thats why cancer will always mean a risk for its sufferers
    1 Points
  34. 256

    Dating and HPPD

    Seems to me like the male to female ratio of hppd sufferers would leave most of us guys lonely even if there is a hppd tinder or even a mental illness dating service. Not sure I could handle the bipolar chicks in my state, God bless em.
    1 Points
  35. neffbull

    Lithium

    Has anyone tried it? I looked through the forums and couldn't find much. I've been taking lamictal and it has eliminated the majority of my symptoms, but there is still some residual anxiety and I'm thinking about trying a low dose of lithium (~300 mg a day) to tackle it. Hope everyone is one is doing well!
    1 Points
  36. neffbull

    Think that my HPPD is actually a disociative disorder.

    I haven't had issues with DP/DR but I know that is a classic symptom of a panic attack. Why?
    1 Points
  37. ddiddy66

    Funding for research

    https://www.causes.com/campaigns/95852-have-congress-allocate-funding-for-research-into-hppd
    1 Points
  38. This message is meant for dutch people only. Dear people, First of all excuse me for my English language. I tried my best writing this as good as possible for you guys. Yesterday I found a dutch talkshow looking for people to tell their story about those who got unrecovered brain damage from drugs use. Official facebook thread: https://www.facebook.com/SpuitenSlikken/photos/a.332876610099663.89909.332850190102305/1006906779363306/?type=3&theater Examples they were talking about are: Sight getting disturbed by vibrant images. Sight getting disturbed by visual snow People that experience their own body or the world as weird The dutch talkshow is named ''Spuiten en slikken'' and I told them about HPPD which they are now really interested in. For those who are interested in being there as a quest and talk about your hppd, please just pm me and I'll give you the contact details. I'm a almost recovered HPPD person who was suffering from hppd for over 5 years. I quit harddrugs (except alcohol and weed) for a long time now. (I'm still on escitalopram for over a few years though) Also I don't think a lot about hppd anymore which probably helped me the most. I'm also focusing a lot on fitness in combination with healthy food which also is helping me a lot. The reason I'm making this thread? I want this hppd to be more famous so the doctors don't look at us in a weird way while we're talking about HPPD. For the dutch people who want to talk about this subject can take their chances right now. Spuiten en slikken is a famous dutch talkshow television program which will be live. In case people are interested or have more questions please leave a reaction here and I'll try to reply as soon as possible. Keep strong! Best regards, Luuk
    1 Points
  39. Nashfull

    Intro/hppd relapse?

    And............cricketts...............lol
    1 Points
  40. ddiddy66

    HPPD and Effexor

    I've been on Effexor forever. It wiped out my anxiety. But at what cost. I'm not sure. Ive recently cut down to half my normal dosage. I was in such bad shape when I started taking it that its hard for me to evaluate other symptoms.
    1 Points
  41. pinionlel

    HPPD and Effexor

    Evening, haven't been coming around lately What have been your experiences on Effexor or venlafaxine? I've been on Sertraline and it worked like a charm for my HPPD, but I've been getting some occasional depression and anhedonia and my doctor is considering gradually switching me to the medication. I know sertraline has been a magic bullet for some, but I want to know what have been your personal experiences with SNRIs in general but particularly with Effexor. Cheers
    1 Points
  42. hppd33

    Thiamine Cocarboxylase

    Hah. Yea im awake again. Slept 2 hours. Time to overthink my life again.
    1 Points
  43. trip into hell

    Enjoying Weed Again ! Buspirone Working Well

    tramadol was also great for me...but not the pills, just the liquid solution.
    1 Points
  44. Thanks for the advice. will quit TRT, monitor myself for a few month and see the best course of action from there. Will update once i got some news.
    1 Points
  45. iwasnineteen

    telling parents

    what are some of your experiences with breaking the news to your parents? how do you tell them? how have they reacted? i know i have to tell them at some point but don't know what to expect or what a good way to say it would be... :/
    1 Points
  46. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ALKS-5461
    1 Points
  47. Merkan

    5-HT2a Antagonists: A complete cure for HPPD?

    This is the general idea about the mechanism behind HPPD, yes. But wouldnt it be simple just try an antagonist in, let say, five people? We would know instantly if this is the way. It should have a profound effect on HPPD if the theory that everything starts with 5-HTP2A and is the cause of most of the symptoms. As dr A said, the most probably way to find a cure is for people on this board trying new meds, backed by different theories about the cause of HPPD to give some credit in what to try. So, i believe the progress in search of a cure or symptom relief is up to ourselves. Thats why it so important to post about what we try and why in the pharm section. Imo, we need more Guinea pigs. There is too much talk and to little trials.
    1 Points
  48. 415_stylee

    Just started with Keppra!

    http://psychedelic-i...sensory-Binding This article had some very interesting info on how the 5ht2a receptor is involved in visual framerate, edge detection, peripheral vision, but also depersonalization and other dream-like states. Just eyed through it but I'll read the whole article soon. "There is evidence that 5-HT2A agonists lead to lateral disinhibition in the cortex by blocking presynaptic uptake of 5-HT at the lateral inhibitory synapse, or by overriding tonic GABAB inhibitory postsynaptic potentials (IPSPs) with asynchronous ESPCs at the lateral-inhibitory synapse.21,22 Loss of inhibition at the lateral synapses in columns of the visual cortex would lead directly to shifting and wiggling in peripheral line, texture, and contrast resolution." http://jp.physoc.org/content/539/1/223.full.pdf I also eyed through this article regarding dopamine and vision. Interesting as well! "The visual system is equipped with a separate dopaminergic system which modifies lateral interactions within the retina during the course of light/dark adaptation (Weiler et al. 2000)." This would explain a bit why many with HPPD have so bad reactions to serotonin agonists+antagonists (boosting the dysregulation), good reactions to benzos and anti-eps (increased inhibition), but also why many dopamine agonists can help some of the HPPD-symptoms (photosensitivity and poor working-memory in particular). Here is the Dr. Abrahams list of HPPD symptoms. http://www.dpselfhel...order-aka-hppd/ We might be on the verge of cracking the HPPD mystery, Visual!
    1 Points
  49. Red

    Success Stories

    Here is my success story. I really hope this helps people because when I first got HPPD almost 4 years ago at age 23 I was a total train wreck and thought I would never get my life back. I am certain that this forum played a huge role in saving my life because for a long time I was seriously worried that I would have no other way out than to take my own life. This was definitely my darkest time and it makes me a little sick to think about it but I feel like I owe it to all the kids out there who are suffering. I'll get to the point. I took mushrooms for the first time ever and I flipped out. There seems to be a pretty standard story to this...total fear, a feeling that the trip will never end, it was a feeling I had never felt before. In my mind, I went to hell if it does exist. I woke up the next day feeling wierd, just off, sort of empty. I didnt think it anything serious until a week later, on new years day, I woke up after a night of partying in Las Vegas, and I knew something was wrong, I was sick, I was throwing up, and I was terrified, my vision was changing before my very eyes, everything was moving, and I knew something was wrong, the first thing I thought when I got up...the mushrooms were coming back to get me. I tried to tell myself it would be ok, that I was just sick from drinking, but it didn't stop. I didn't eat for almost a week, and I went to the hospital to get an I.V. to rehydrate me. In the ER, there was a true psychotic woman having an episode, It terrified me, because I felt I could somehow relate to her. I thought I had really lost it and I would never be the same. I'd heard of people "freaking out" and stories from the 60s, musicians like Brian Wilson going nuts on acid ect. and I starting thinking I was one of them now. I went home and felt so empty, but I couldn't even cry. My parents came back from a trip they were on, and it was like I didn't even know them, I was in my own little world. Things that were familiar were foreign to me, nothing was the same. As I worried more, things got worse, I started having panic attacks daily, I couldn't sleep, and my visual symptoms got worse. I had horrible headaches, nausea, paranoia, depression, visuals, the whole nine yards. At this point I think i was pre depersonalized, the panic was very strong, and it drove me deeper into a state of numbness. I was having terrible nightmares when I did sleep, finally, I think my mental anguish drove me into a state of numbness, where I couldn't feel anything around me, just like a zombie. I would say this was about 4-6 months into it. I started seeing therapists, and it helped a bit to have someone I could talk to because I didnt have anyone. None of my friends got it, and I was scared to tell my parents. At that point I wasn't even sure if they were real. I started reading on the forums, and this was a real game changer. I started to learn about some of the things that were happening, like the depersonalization/derealization, anxiety, ect. But more than that, I learned that there were people just like me, that I could talk to and would understand me, and even better that some people had survived it. This gave me what I needed, a little hope. Something to AIM for, a light at the end of the tunnel. Of course I was unsure and skeptical that I would get better, but at this point, in what seems like a rather odd reasoning, I decided that I couldn't be any worse off, and that the only choice I had was to get better, I really had nothing to lose. I knew it wouldn't happen soon but I thought, hell, I've survived this long (it was probably a year in) I can keep going, so I kinda just put my life on autopilot. I bought myself some time, I said, hey I'm just gonna deal with this day to day, not try to push myself too hard, and maybe in a few years I'll at least be able to function. That was a big deal, I accepted my situation, that it was gonna suck now, and that it would be a long time before I got better. During this time I had a lot of bad days, I also had some good ones. But every time that I had a good day, I kinda put that in my mental bank. Like saving pennies at a time. They add up. I made habit of doing things that would promote overall well being. That meant regular exercise programs, eating better, meditation, and yoga. I began to make steady improvements, I started having more good days, and things looked better for me. Someone once described HPPD as sort of like throwing a stone into the water, a huge splash, then lots of waves, ups and downs, and the slowly get less and less intense and I would totally agree. There was a long period of about 1 1/2- 3 years into HPPD that I began to get frustrated because I would feel great and think I finally beat it, then relapse again, I just wanted to be better, but again, time heals. This coming New Years day will be my 4 year anniversary of the day HPPD and I can say that this is behind me. In fact, I look back on it and I almost don't believe myself. It's almost like it was just a terrible nightmare. Which is how I had hoped I would look back on it some day. I want to put it behind me and never look back. But at the same time I want to help the kids that are on here because I know how terrible they feel and they need help just like I did. I owe it to someone because I survived and I want people to know that you can beat it but it takes work and commitment. I still feel a little lost, like I'm not sure who I am as a person, but I at least feel like I know where I am (haha). I just spent 4 years in a nightmare and now I'm awake. So I will try to offer some advice. The forums are great for helping you out, but don't spend too much time here. Don't spend hours on hours reading about peoples problems, about mental disorders. Education is good but at some point it will only make you more obsessive. Also, there is a lot of negativity here that will bring you down, because people that are on here are mostly here because they are having problems, not because they are doing great. For every 1 success story you will read about 20 horror stories. It's like watching the news, they only report on the bad stuff, you will never turn it on and have the reporter say "hey, everything is great." Again, do stuff that promotes good health, a healthy body is a healthy mind. Get outside and enjoy nature. I found it easier to connect with natural objects. Try to feel the sun, or the breeze on your face, little things like that. They can help you feel alive. Stop doing drugs, alcohol, tobacco, or limit your intake if you can. Smoking weed really made things worse for me. Talk to someone that can offer something positive and will understand your situation. If anyone ever wants to talk, on the phone, email, whatever, hit me up. Believe you can get better.
    1 Points
  50. Dri? U really got be simple with me. Im very much retarded with all this. Wanna speak about bmw engines? Im gold. medical terms? Im not good atal. I used to be on prozac and it made me feel shiiit. Also hearing it worsens visuals. Maybe tiny amounts of ssris and more dopamine?. Also heard cocaine doesnt effect hppd
    1 Points