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  1. 4 points
    I was in a similar place as you for a long time. I remember when I first got HPPD it was like being transported into another world because my DP-DR symptoms were so severe. I literally thought I was dreaming this all at one point. Everything looked like a cartoon, people looked like they were sculpted from clay and my visual-spacial recognition system was so completely destroyed I couldn't move my eyes anywhere or track anything across my field of vision without a gigantic and long-lasting smear that persisted for sometimes minutes after I took my eyes away from it. I've made tremendous progress since that time and I attribute most all of it to abstaining from drugs and living a healthy lifestyle, especially with regards to eating habits. I don't know what to tell you other than you're not alone, many people here have suffered from intense HPPD and DP-DR and that 1.5 years is nothing in terms of recovering from HPPD. Also, I've been to so many dark places and thought I'd never make it out alive. I don't know how many times I've contemplated suicide, but I've always pulled through, always somehow found a way out and kept on pushing. After two years I'm so happy I did. Though I still have HPPD it's gotten so much better, especially after transforming my diet, and I'm finally in a place where I'm OK from day to day, which I never could say until now. HPPD is a very long road and a very strenuous fight, but as others have already pointed out life is worth living even if difficult. You just need to give yourself time.
  2. 3 points
    @Saff I remember the point in my life when I realized "this isn't going away". It's really hard to come to terms with having this disability (In my case, I consider it a disability). I also remember the.point at which I decided that it wasn't going to get the best of me. I think that determination is in all of us if we can find it within ourselves. Understand that you can live a good life even with hppd. Sorry to sound so preachy. Part of being old I guess.
  3. 2 points
    me im on acid rn and smoked 6 joints today
  4. 2 points
    For many years I had totally indescribable moving images in my head when my eyes were closed. Like tripping but far more wierd. They were so bizarre I really can't describe it fully. That's the one part of my hppd that went away. I'm not saying my head has totally cleared but it's much better though it took quite a while to heal. Just as a point of reference, I dosed heavily for about 6 years. You are not as you said "fucked in the brain". The fact that you wrote such a coherent post proves you're all there and clearly intelligent . The brain is very elastic and can adapt. I think the best thing to is to stop dosing and refrain from weed to see if things improve. Also, even with this condition you can live a wonderful and productive life. I mean that! Hang in there!
  5. 2 points
    I Shared your Post LethargicAcid with With the Grof Foundation: This was there Reply :-) Thanks for sharing this with me. Interesting stuff being discussed in the forums. About Stan's comments, LSD Psychotherapy was published in 1980, quite some time ago, and based on Dr. Grof's carefully controlled treatment approach that emphasized set (preparation, intention) and setting (safe space, qualified support) as critical for the work. Not the kind of use that is that you had, or that most others have. It will be interesting to see how he responds to this subject now. 35 years is a long time, and there has been a lot of experience since then. He does not like to generalize, since each person is different, so I will make sure that he is okay to publish something on the list that may in fact apply just to you, and ask you not to publish it without permission. Okay? Fond Regards,
  6. 2 points
    ive been distracting myself from the fact that im perma static/floaters for like 5-6 months since i got hppd. i smoked a hit of OG kush and all the repressed thoughts/feelings/anxiety is waiting for me at full force. i am doing deep breathing right now. yesterday, i avoided a hot panick attack. ive also only got 2 hours of sleep in the past 20 or so hours. this feeling of submerging panick is waiting to be released, but I dont know how. I Feel like this is the time to accept it. i should be dealing with it on my own, but i depend on this site in a way. so im gonna take deep breaths and take a shower. since i had panic attack syptoms yesterday, this morning my brain felt worn out and fatigued. so i ate kale and other vegetables and bacon lol. well shit im high(havent smoked in 4 days, little tolerance), so im just going to at least try to accept it. deep breaths and logic. i just dont think my brain can take much more fatigue since im tired as fuck. i need sleep. yay i love being alive:) i love myself and i love every person in the world. i love all of the green plants, the furry animals and the scaly ones. i love the blue skye and the clouds. i love the feeling of the wind against my skin. i love love. i love critisism. i love hppd. it forces me to get my shit togther. its just like the static on a t.v. screen. my hppd isnt bad compared to most people. i just make excuses and feel bad for myself, because I am not a man yet. in this entropic world, it is survival of the fittest. I am so strong and grateful now. I am forced to live life to its full extent, and I am grateful for it. Panic is for when lions and tigers are glaring at me. I am perfectly safe and enjoy my freedom. life has much to offer, but such a small amount of time is a human lifespan. death is a part of life. I will one day, in maybe 50 years, greet death with a bearhug. For I've adapted to its unfairness. But for now, I am going to love myself and love what I have become. thoughts are just thoughts. they are an evolutionary mechanism to survive. All I need is self control(deep breathing) , positive self talk, Life is hard, and I enjoy it. I would not have it any other way. Easy is boring. I am going to be such a strong person. Quit all of my addictions/vices/dependancies. treat myself with respect and every thing with respect. I am not in a war zone. I am not firing guns in a war. But I am gifted with having to face a challenge. Logic is so easy. it is a yes or a no. that and breathing . mental battles are tough, but only as tough as I allow it to be. Mental battles increase my mental strength. I have faith in myself that I can overcome this obsticle. I just have to pick and pick at it, one step at a time. I have the ability to construct my reality. I appreciate my past use of psychadelics as they made me wise and self-realized. I learned insights. Nothing lasts forever. And thats beautiful. I can not take a psychadelic ever again, including dxm or ketamine or cigarettes or caffiene or whatever. Thats awesome. I love myself. I am grateful for this computer. I am scared, and that is okay. I need sleep. So I am going to take a shower, then go to sleep. And I am grateful for the gift of HPPDONLINE. I learned so much about HPPD to the extent that I know what to do to be happy and content. I want any other fellows of my kind to have hope. do things that you know are right. Engage in relaxation breathing, meditation, yoga, and excersize like running or skateboarding or swimming or hanging out in nature or dancing or singing or poetry or love or help somone. those all increase love. and love creates passion. passion creates motivation. motivation increases purpose. purpose increases self love. and the cycle keeps on going. I am sorry that we all have to deal with this neuralogical anomaly, but I have to let go of the sorrow. Because I actually do love what hppd has made me become. I have so many revelations because of it. like the ones stated here. this is all coming from the heart. human bodies can withstand sooo much. think about it, how broken bones can heal. how people survive heart attacks. how people get FUCKING HEART TRANSPLANTS. i am accepting it, its just taking time. anyways shout out to all the long term HPPD members. shout out to all of the new members. I am here if anyone would like to talk or I could try to give them advice by digging deep. besides i actually love my hppd. i get to experience in a unique way. it helped me realize that not everything is what it seems. All I need to do is practice relaxation breathing/ excersize/ positive thinking/gratefulness, facing other issues in life,
  7. 1 point
    Hey everyone, decided it might be a good idea to ask some people who have it and see their opinion so here goes. About six to seven months ago I went on this spree of taking shrooms non stop, I bought about an ounce of them and ended up doing around half of that in one month I was micro dosing everyday and on the weekends would do about an eighth on Saturdays and Sundays. I did this for around a month and even some time after that I did them around three more times shortly after. I've been a weed smoker for three years , smoking constantly everyday probably around two to three grams daily and would mix tobacco with my bowls for a greater head rush also was drinking pretty greatly while I would do this and I did this for around three years. I did mdma/Molly once with a buddy which has probably been around a year ago. Anyway here's the symptoms and issues I've been experiencing since then. •dizziness •head pressure and tension type headaches(mostly around the scalp,eyes and ears) •tinnitus •pretty bad dp/dr (gets worse at night) •increased anxiety and panic attacks •bad visual snow/static vision •brightening of colors/color intensity •shaky hands and legs(almost like tremors) •constantly feeling like I'm in a dream state / everything looks kinda fake •wavy lines and if I stare at something for like 30 seconds it starts to pulsate or having a breathing type effect to it •depression has worsened •people look sorta strange at the face/distorted including myself when looking in the mirror. •ghosting images/imprints, halos and bursts of like red and purple in my vision in circular pattern, peripheral vision is kinda distorted, colors will tend to look like other colors sometimes(blue will look purple for example) •change in heart beat like palpitations •things appear smaller or larger than they really are That's pretty much the main stuff, I've been having this for a little longer than a month, I've been on amitriptyline for anxiety and headaches and it seems to help a little with the anxiety at night. It's been pretty troublesome and I haven't been able to go in public all that much in fear the symptoms will worsen and I'll panic. Does this sound like hppd? Or something worse? Any advice on how to cope or get better? No doctors seems to really know shit about it around here. If anyone has any tips and pointers on how to deal with this please let me know. It's pretty hard to deal with so far.
  8. 1 point
  9. 1 point
  10. 1 point
    Hey guys, I was posting over on the HPPD subreddit every now and again, trying to help people out. Someone linked this forum, so I figured I'd pop over here and introduce myself. As many of you know, HPPD can be the cause of much loneliness and feelings of alienation. I've met two people total in my life that also have HPPD, but it's not a topic they were looking to discuss in depth. Just a note, I'm also an alcoholic and addict in recovery with about two and a half years clean. My case started when I was about 22-years-old. My first "real" drug experience (not weed or booze) was what kicked it off. It was my first time taking MDMA. I also took about a .5g of mushrooms as well, which was also my first time. It was fantastic, really. I've dealt with depression and anxiety my whole life, and I thought I had figured out how to fix that problem. On the comedown, I had an episode of intense hallucinations, seeing people who weren't there, skulls flying around the room, blood dripping down the walls, the whole nine yards. After a few hours, my vision returned back to normal, but the event wasn't enough to deter me from overcoming my nature as an addict. After a few weeks, I was back at it, but those early times, I had no consequences, so I wrote it off as me mixing MDMA and mushrooms that first time. Eventually, I started taking molly more and more often, as well as mixing hallucinogens into my repertoire, and the hallucinatory episodes started recurring, taking a little bit longer each time for my vision to return to normal. After a three day binge, my vision never went back. CEVs, recurring night terrors, patterns, colors, things breathing, floaters, trailers, depersonalization, I had the whole gambit in that first year, only having the depersonalization go away after that period. It was rough for sure. Thoughts of suicide were constantly there, just below the surface. I gave half-hearted attempts to seek out help, but there was a part of me that loved the insanity. I loved being crazy. I loved being unique. I backed down off the hallucinogens, cycling through different phases of drugs and drinking, and the HPPD was always there, continually getting worse, always ready to torment me. I believed it was my curse for being such a shitty person. I deserved it. It was my punishment. As my using progressed and my life fell apart around me, my actual insanity intensified. I couldn't drive over a bridge without thinking about driving myself off. I couldn't hold a knife without wanting to jam it in my throat. I couldn't show up for work anymore, so I quit and moved back in with my parents. I thought I would finally have peace, but there was none to be found for me. I drank daily, used cocaine as often as I could buy it, trying to get away from the reality that was always right in front of my eyes. I wasn't even safe from my torment with my eyes closed. I hit my bottom 06/08/15 at 25. I went to treatment for substance abuse, and that was the last time I took an illicit drug. I wish I could say that after staying sober was a fix for me, that it got better right away, but it didn't. I was without my coping mechanisms, so that first year sober was worse mentally for me than my first year with HPPD. I had to relearn how to deal with life, to learn how to approach situations as an adult. Luckily, I learned a lot in that treatment center, and I continually learn more in my chosen 12-step program. I sit here enjoying my new life that has come from deciding to actually do something about my problems instead of wallowing in my misery. I just moved to a new town to be with my girlfriend, started a new job that has more opportunities for me than I ever thought possible, and know a peace that has been a mystery to me, except through chemical manipulation. My visuals are just as intense as ever, CEV, floaters, trailers, etc, but they're just there. They don't define me as a person. I'm waiting patiently for the day, if it ever comes, that I can see like I used to. If not and I have to be secretly trippy all my life, so be it. The one thing that does bother me about my situation is the difficulty I have explaining it to someone else, and that's why you see me here today. You guys know, and there's so much comfort in being around understanding company. - Brendon
  11. 1 point
  12. 1 point
    Well, you don't need to believe it, just to know it is true. Luck is a concept that easily describes people's misfortune. It would be unnecessary long to really go into detail as saying 1 in 50,000 LSD users will get hppd, because that person is susceptible to it, since he has Gaba or NMDA receptor dysfunction or whatever, which landed him with hppd. People on this forum are really the extremely unlucky folks that took drugs. There isn't a statistic to really point how many people develop hppd, but from how rare doctors encounter it, you might assume that it is rare. I mean, only Dr. Abraham, one guy on the whole planet is studying this? And he is doing this since the 80s, now that's sad and unfortunate to any hppders out there.
  13. 1 point
    @MadDocThankyou so much, i will keep that all in mind. I guess im just finding it hard to come to terms with.
  14. 1 point
    hahahaha, how do these myths start? That's a load of shit, don;t listen to whoever told you that. If you got hppd from weed... you will almost certainly get much worse from stronger drugs,
  15. 1 point
    dude, i learned how to rid the dr/dp anxiety!!! for PTSD victims, theres something called CPT, cognitive processing therapy. it basically trains you how to see your problem objectively step by step slowly, breaking thru negative emotions like shame and guilt. i do not reccomend it though until one is ready to experience pain. the only problem i can think is that the anxiety would worsen the hppd. im scared as fuck about it getting worse but why am I? thats an assumption, it could get better, ive had it for 6 months. since i posted this , ive been getting a lot better! i self administersed cpt and got rid of a lot of DR/DP. i still have a lot of it to go thru though. Dude these peopple are saying that theres no point in accepting it, but i dont believe it. they made me cry. but i realize that it felt good to cry because sadness is an emotion and emotions relieve anxiety. im trying to get therapy. seriously, i am tearing up from the support that youre giving me. i am also realizing that i am going to have to be more indepenant. Germany relied on Hitler for hope, thus being a follower isnt the best answer. i am a sensitive person, but i realize that it helps because i can dig deep and realize stuff thats true. including the "PTSD" symptoms that im scared of. the longer that one escapes their fears, they grow. and it becomes a habbit like everything us humans do. it feels so good to be able to be in the present. hopefully i can see therapy soon, but i think that i am done with this site for the most part. theres no point in caring about stuff out of ones control. you should get into buddhism. you should do yoga. those arts are all about building a strong mind and using logic to control your emotions instead of vice versa. i dont even know whats so bad about static and floaters anyway to be honest . theres no such thing as normal , and some people are blind. some people dont have limbs. for me, i have to do self therapy or see a therapist about: i had a bad trip which caused this hppd from NBOME 25i. terrible drug. i have to face those fears that i have buried. just stay in the moment and be pensive. i think that distracting ourselves is the wrong thing to do, the anxiety just increases. but a fair amount of distracting is healthy, gotta go at our own pace. what do u think? Dude, we should start a business where we help people with hppd, like open up a website and give certain therapys to people. i dont know, but it be awesome !!! do u agree with what i say? im only 6 months in, but what the fuck is time ... i hope im not naive