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Showing content with the highest reputation since 09/16/2017 in Posts

  1. 4 points
    I was in a similar place as you for a long time. I remember when I first got HPPD it was like being transported into another world because my DP-DR symptoms were so severe. I literally thought I was dreaming this all at one point. Everything looked like a cartoon, people looked like they were sculpted from clay and my visual-spacial recognition system was so completely destroyed I couldn't move my eyes anywhere or track anything across my field of vision without a gigantic and long-lasting smear that persisted for sometimes minutes after I took my eyes away from it. I've made tremendous progress since that time and I attribute most all of it to abstaining from drugs and living a healthy lifestyle, especially with regards to eating habits. I don't know what to tell you other than you're not alone, many people here have suffered from intense HPPD and DP-DR and that 1.5 years is nothing in terms of recovering from HPPD. Also, I've been to so many dark places and thought I'd never make it out alive. I don't know how many times I've contemplated suicide, but I've always pulled through, always somehow found a way out and kept on pushing. After two years I'm so happy I did. Though I still have HPPD it's gotten so much better, especially after transforming my diet, and I'm finally in a place where I'm OK from day to day, which I never could say until now. HPPD is a very long road and a very strenuous fight, but as others have already pointed out life is worth living even if difficult. You just need to give yourself time.
  2. 4 points
    Hey guys, Some of you might remember me from a while ago but I was a very active member a while back, I haven't posted in a while because well, I consider myself cured. It all began after a single dose of 25B-NBOMe, and threw me into an extremely dark place. I suffered a pretty much constant panic attack for a month after I aquired the disorder. I was depressed and simply waiting for the day to end, now when it gets to that point you start to not want to get up in the morning in the first place. I didn't want to live in that state. The dissociation was the worst, I didn't think it was possible to experience such a detached view of reality to the point where it might as well have all been a bad dream. Well, over the course of 2 years the symptoms waxed and waned but eventually started subsiding. I am still left with all my visuals but the dissociation is gone 80% and I'm sure I can make up the other 20. I tried over 10 medications, none really helping. I contacted specialists but couldn't afford them, my doctors were also very poor and refused to refer me anywhere worthwhile. In the end I just had to do it all myself. I forced myself out the house when I really would've preferred to curl up in a ball. I started socialising again, really socialising. I got back into my hobbies that I'd completely lost interested in, I worked on my anxiety through reading, meditation and praying everything will get better. You have to maintain that positive mindset no matter what, if you don't have that then you have nothing. I still have most of my visual symptoms as I said but I consider myself cured. Thank god the dissociation did go away for whatever reason, I feel alive again, I wake up and I don't feel like I'm in a foggy dream, I have emotions, I can be happy, sad, laugh and cry and really feel it like I'm supposed to. If I could go back I wouldn't change a thing, life is so much better once you've experienced how dark it can get and come out the other side. Some tips that helped me: ABSTAIN: Stay sober, a few beers now and again never hurt my recover but stay sober! Vitamins and diet: Eat well and eat good foods. Lifestyle: This was the big one for me, change your lifestyle completely in any possible way, change it for the better. Part of my recovery involved a lot of therapy where I let go of things from my past. Socialise, read, be passionate about your hobbies, learn a language, travel, find a relationship, get a job, change your job. You can do it on your own, or at least improve it as much as you can. I went from being so dissociated and suicidal I was sure I'd gone insane, to going back to my old self. Sure, I still have anxiety and visuals but I deal with it and to be honest, I never even think about it any more. Hope all of you are doing well, I can't imagine anything that puts as much strain and stress on the lives of people. Particularly young people that just don't deserve it. Listen to the long term members, I used to read the success stories every day and convinced myself I was going to get better, and I did. Good luck everyone, I pray for you all all the time. If you need someone to talk to or advice, anything at all, just PM me. Whatever thoughts are going through your head and no matter how you feel, I've been there. To the longer term members: hey, and thanks for all your help when I was at my worst. Sam
  3. 3 points
    @Saff I remember the point in my life when I realized "this isn't going away". It's really hard to come to terms with having this disability (In my case, I consider it a disability). I also remember the.point at which I decided that it wasn't going to get the best of me. I think that determination is in all of us if we can find it within ourselves. Understand that you can live a good life even with hppd. Sorry to sound so preachy. Part of being old I guess.
  4. 2 points
    me im on acid rn and smoked 6 joints today
  5. 2 points
    For many years I had totally indescribable moving images in my head when my eyes were closed. Like tripping but far more wierd. They were so bizarre I really can't describe it fully. That's the one part of my hppd that went away. I'm not saying my head has totally cleared but it's much better though it took quite a while to heal. Just as a point of reference, I dosed heavily for about 6 years. You are not as you said "fucked in the brain". The fact that you wrote such a coherent post proves you're all there and clearly intelligent . The brain is very elastic and can adapt. I think the best thing to is to stop dosing and refrain from weed to see if things improve. Also, even with this condition you can live a wonderful and productive life. I mean that! Hang in there!
  6. 2 points
    I Shared your Post LethargicAcid with With the Grof Foundation: This was there Reply :-) Thanks for sharing this with me. Interesting stuff being discussed in the forums. About Stan's comments, LSD Psychotherapy was published in 1980, quite some time ago, and based on Dr. Grof's carefully controlled treatment approach that emphasized set (preparation, intention) and setting (safe space, qualified support) as critical for the work. Not the kind of use that is that you had, or that most others have. It will be interesting to see how he responds to this subject now. 35 years is a long time, and there has been a lot of experience since then. He does not like to generalize, since each person is different, so I will make sure that he is okay to publish something on the list that may in fact apply just to you, and ask you not to publish it without permission. Okay? Fond Regards,
  7. 2 points
    ive been distracting myself from the fact that im perma static/floaters for like 5-6 months since i got hppd. i smoked a hit of OG kush and all the repressed thoughts/feelings/anxiety is waiting for me at full force. i am doing deep breathing right now. yesterday, i avoided a hot panick attack. ive also only got 2 hours of sleep in the past 20 or so hours. this feeling of submerging panick is waiting to be released, but I dont know how. I Feel like this is the time to accept it. i should be dealing with it on my own, but i depend on this site in a way. so im gonna take deep breaths and take a shower. since i had panic attack syptoms yesterday, this morning my brain felt worn out and fatigued. so i ate kale and other vegetables and bacon lol. well shit im high(havent smoked in 4 days, little tolerance), so im just going to at least try to accept it. deep breaths and logic. i just dont think my brain can take much more fatigue since im tired as fuck. i need sleep. yay i love being alive:) i love myself and i love every person in the world. i love all of the green plants, the furry animals and the scaly ones. i love the blue skye and the clouds. i love the feeling of the wind against my skin. i love love. i love critisism. i love hppd. it forces me to get my shit togther. its just like the static on a t.v. screen. my hppd isnt bad compared to most people. i just make excuses and feel bad for myself, because I am not a man yet. in this entropic world, it is survival of the fittest. I am so strong and grateful now. I am forced to live life to its full extent, and I am grateful for it. Panic is for when lions and tigers are glaring at me. I am perfectly safe and enjoy my freedom. life has much to offer, but such a small amount of time is a human lifespan. death is a part of life. I will one day, in maybe 50 years, greet death with a bearhug. For I've adapted to its unfairness. But for now, I am going to love myself and love what I have become. thoughts are just thoughts. they are an evolutionary mechanism to survive. All I need is self control(deep breathing) , positive self talk, Life is hard, and I enjoy it. I would not have it any other way. Easy is boring. I am going to be such a strong person. Quit all of my addictions/vices/dependancies. treat myself with respect and every thing with respect. I am not in a war zone. I am not firing guns in a war. But I am gifted with having to face a challenge. Logic is so easy. it is a yes or a no. that and breathing . mental battles are tough, but only as tough as I allow it to be. Mental battles increase my mental strength. I have faith in myself that I can overcome this obsticle. I just have to pick and pick at it, one step at a time. I have the ability to construct my reality. I appreciate my past use of psychadelics as they made me wise and self-realized. I learned insights. Nothing lasts forever. And thats beautiful. I can not take a psychadelic ever again, including dxm or ketamine or cigarettes or caffiene or whatever. Thats awesome. I love myself. I am grateful for this computer. I am scared, and that is okay. I need sleep. So I am going to take a shower, then go to sleep. And I am grateful for the gift of HPPDONLINE. I learned so much about HPPD to the extent that I know what to do to be happy and content. I want any other fellows of my kind to have hope. do things that you know are right. Engage in relaxation breathing, meditation, yoga, and excersize like running or skateboarding or swimming or hanging out in nature or dancing or singing or poetry or love or help somone. those all increase love. and love creates passion. passion creates motivation. motivation increases purpose. purpose increases self love. and the cycle keeps on going. I am sorry that we all have to deal with this neuralogical anomaly, but I have to let go of the sorrow. Because I actually do love what hppd has made me become. I have so many revelations because of it. like the ones stated here. this is all coming from the heart. human bodies can withstand sooo much. think about it, how broken bones can heal. how people survive heart attacks. how people get FUCKING HEART TRANSPLANTS. i am accepting it, its just taking time. anyways shout out to all the long term HPPD members. shout out to all of the new members. I am here if anyone would like to talk or I could try to give them advice by digging deep. besides i actually love my hppd. i get to experience in a unique way. it helped me realize that not everything is what it seems. All I need to do is practice relaxation breathing/ excersize/ positive thinking/gratefulness, facing other issues in life,
  8. 1 point
    Hey everyone, decided it might be a good idea to ask some people who have it and see their opinion so here goes. About six to seven months ago I went on this spree of taking shrooms non stop, I bought about an ounce of them and ended up doing around half of that in one month I was micro dosing everyday and on the weekends would do about an eighth on Saturdays and Sundays. I did this for around a month and even some time after that I did them around three more times shortly after. I've been a weed smoker for three years , smoking constantly everyday probably around two to three grams daily and would mix tobacco with my bowls for a greater head rush also was drinking pretty greatly while I would do this and I did this for around three years. I did mdma/Molly once with a buddy which has probably been around a year ago. Anyway here's the symptoms and issues I've been experiencing since then. •dizziness •head pressure and tension type headaches(mostly around the scalp,eyes and ears) •tinnitus •pretty bad dp/dr (gets worse at night) •increased anxiety and panic attacks •bad visual snow/static vision •brightening of colors/color intensity •shaky hands and legs(almost like tremors) •constantly feeling like I'm in a dream state / everything looks kinda fake •wavy lines and if I stare at something for like 30 seconds it starts to pulsate or having a breathing type effect to it •depression has worsened •people look sorta strange at the face/distorted including myself when looking in the mirror. •ghosting images/imprints, halos and bursts of like red and purple in my vision in circular pattern, peripheral vision is kinda distorted, colors will tend to look like other colors sometimes(blue will look purple for example) •change in heart beat like palpitations •things appear smaller or larger than they really are That's pretty much the main stuff, I've been having this for a little longer than a month, I've been on amitriptyline for anxiety and headaches and it seems to help a little with the anxiety at night. It's been pretty troublesome and I haven't been able to go in public all that much in fear the symptoms will worsen and I'll panic. Does this sound like hppd? Or something worse? Any advice on how to cope or get better? No doctors seems to really know shit about it around here. If anyone has any tips and pointers on how to deal with this please let me know. It's pretty hard to deal with so far.
  9. 1 point
  10. 1 point
  11. 1 point
    Hey guys, I was posting over on the HPPD subreddit every now and again, trying to help people out. Someone linked this forum, so I figured I'd pop over here and introduce myself. As many of you know, HPPD can be the cause of much loneliness and feelings of alienation. I've met two people total in my life that also have HPPD, but it's not a topic they were looking to discuss in depth. Just a note, I'm also an alcoholic and addict in recovery with about two and a half years clean. My case started when I was about 22-years-old. My first "real" drug experience (not weed or booze) was what kicked it off. It was my first time taking MDMA. I also took about a .5g of mushrooms as well, which was also my first time. It was fantastic, really. I've dealt with depression and anxiety my whole life, and I thought I had figured out how to fix that problem. On the comedown, I had an episode of intense hallucinations, seeing people who weren't there, skulls flying around the room, blood dripping down the walls, the whole nine yards. After a few hours, my vision returned back to normal, but the event wasn't enough to deter me from overcoming my nature as an addict. After a few weeks, I was back at it, but those early times, I had no consequences, so I wrote it off as me mixing MDMA and mushrooms that first time. Eventually, I started taking molly more and more often, as well as mixing hallucinogens into my repertoire, and the hallucinatory episodes started recurring, taking a little bit longer each time for my vision to return to normal. After a three day binge, my vision never went back. CEVs, recurring night terrors, patterns, colors, things breathing, floaters, trailers, depersonalization, I had the whole gambit in that first year, only having the depersonalization go away after that period. It was rough for sure. Thoughts of suicide were constantly there, just below the surface. I gave half-hearted attempts to seek out help, but there was a part of me that loved the insanity. I loved being crazy. I loved being unique. I backed down off the hallucinogens, cycling through different phases of drugs and drinking, and the HPPD was always there, continually getting worse, always ready to torment me. I believed it was my curse for being such a shitty person. I deserved it. It was my punishment. As my using progressed and my life fell apart around me, my actual insanity intensified. I couldn't drive over a bridge without thinking about driving myself off. I couldn't hold a knife without wanting to jam it in my throat. I couldn't show up for work anymore, so I quit and moved back in with my parents. I thought I would finally have peace, but there was none to be found for me. I drank daily, used cocaine as often as I could buy it, trying to get away from the reality that was always right in front of my eyes. I wasn't even safe from my torment with my eyes closed. I hit my bottom 06/08/15 at 25. I went to treatment for substance abuse, and that was the last time I took an illicit drug. I wish I could say that after staying sober was a fix for me, that it got better right away, but it didn't. I was without my coping mechanisms, so that first year sober was worse mentally for me than my first year with HPPD. I had to relearn how to deal with life, to learn how to approach situations as an adult. Luckily, I learned a lot in that treatment center, and I continually learn more in my chosen 12-step program. I sit here enjoying my new life that has come from deciding to actually do something about my problems instead of wallowing in my misery. I just moved to a new town to be with my girlfriend, started a new job that has more opportunities for me than I ever thought possible, and know a peace that has been a mystery to me, except through chemical manipulation. My visuals are just as intense as ever, CEV, floaters, trailers, etc, but they're just there. They don't define me as a person. I'm waiting patiently for the day, if it ever comes, that I can see like I used to. If not and I have to be secretly trippy all my life, so be it. The one thing that does bother me about my situation is the difficulty I have explaining it to someone else, and that's why you see me here today. You guys know, and there's so much comfort in being around understanding company. - Brendon
  12. 1 point
  13. 1 point
    Well, you don't need to believe it, just to know it is true. Luck is a concept that easily describes people's misfortune. It would be unnecessary long to really go into detail as saying 1 in 50,000 LSD users will get hppd, because that person is susceptible to it, since he has Gaba or NMDA receptor dysfunction or whatever, which landed him with hppd. People on this forum are really the extremely unlucky folks that took drugs. There isn't a statistic to really point how many people develop hppd, but from how rare doctors encounter it, you might assume that it is rare. I mean, only Dr. Abraham, one guy on the whole planet is studying this? And he is doing this since the 80s, now that's sad and unfortunate to any hppders out there.
  14. 1 point
    Hi all, I started seeing static on walls, carpets, grass which has now progressed to seeing static everywhere, sensitivity to the light, trailing images and very poor night vision, plus tinnitus (which apparently is related to HPPD). This happened over a 5 month period. It started after I drunkenly mixed MDMA, NOS/balloons, weed and ketamine and had a fairly bad trip. Also had a few heavy concussions around that time where I couldn't walk properly for a few weeks, due to the brain damage. Happened to see an optician a few months before the symptoms started and was told I've got perfect vision. Now the optician is saying it's satisfactory. Saw a Dr recently who is reffering me to an opthmathologist, so will report back if they can do anything, but sounds like the medical research is lacking in this field and few Drs actually know about it. I've tried to realise and control my anxiety it's caused, because I was already very anxious (probably led me to my drug abuse) and it was impacting my life and social skills too much. Other ways I'm trying to cope: •Telling myself to relax • No drugs, but caffiene and alcohol are difficult not to. • Multivitamens and Omega 3 • Wearing sunglasses • Exercise every day • Keep my mind active. And just thinking, well at least I'm not blind, it just makes seeing a bit more energetic now. Thanks for reading, needed to get it off my chest to people who understand.
  15. 1 point
    @MadDocThankyou so much, i will keep that all in mind. I guess im just finding it hard to come to terms with.
  16. 1 point
    I'll say what I've said before. Stay sober. At a minimum stay clear of psychedelics including cannabis. Get a physical checkup. It can't hurt and perhaps you can rule out any other issues. Get focused. Put as much focus as you can into the things you like, or need to get done. If you're dealing with anxiety I highly suggest a yoga or meditation practice. Meditation helped me a lot. I gather you haven't dosed too many times. It's very probable that your symptoms will moderate over time. Finally, be kind to yourself. You haven't done anything wrong. You've simply sustained an injury doing something that millions of people try at one point in their lives. ONE more thing. I started dosing just before my 14th birthday. If I had stopped then I don't think I would have been stuck with this condition. You're young, your mind is still growing. Use that to your advantage by staying sober.
  17. 1 point
    Yeah, here's what a fellow from vs forum wrote: Source
  18. 1 point
  19. 1 point
    I think the threshold for hearing damage is about 85 dB, so as long as you keep the volume at a reasonable level you should be fine. I have tinnitus too and listen to music while I work (and have for the past several years), and my audiologist said my hearing is completely normal.
  20. 1 point
    Hey guys, I'm just curious to hear about any symptoms that you have which you don't see mentioned a lot on here, maybe it's just small things you notice? or maybe it's a symptom that you can't accurately pin on anything that's already defined, just out of curiosity? For me I see trails of smoke everywhere quite often, almost like the visual snow is moving in cohesive clouds and is obscuring my vision, this usually happens indoors. Also certain syllables that I hear sound sort of "squelchy" for lack of a better word, there's a self service kiosk at my local shop and it always sounds like it's saying "touch the sqween to start", it doesn't really bother me but it does make me giggle sometimes which makes me look crazy. Would be really interested in anything you guys have?
  21. 1 point
    My hppd has improved significantly over decades. The CEVs are gone as is the anxiety. In my 20s I drank quite a bit to deal with my anxiety caused by this disorder. I honestly don't think it made my hppd worse (visual hallucinations mostly). That being said, it masked the root causes of my anxiety which were all waiting for me when I quit drinking. Not sure about nicotine. Some in here say it makes their symptoms worse. We're all different I guess.
  22. 1 point
    Being physically tired from exercise helps my internal mental chatter quiet down. When that lessens I can focus. When I'm focused ... well I've written that already. I don't think exercise is ever a bad thing for those who are able. It can make one feel exhausted, but it's a mellow exhaustion.
  23. 1 point
    Hey man, Pro tip: start by searching the forums for topics. Pretty sure there are plenty on alcohol, drugs and nicotine. I started a thread not more than one week ago about HPPD and alcohol in the long run. Anyways, the short answer you'd be looking for is that it depends. It's a versatile condition and how you experience it is most likely not how I do. Most people I've listened to have gotten better over the years, however, that strictly applies to those who quit drugs and changed their lives. For the greatest chance of recovery, turn your life around completely. Try to eat healthy, exercise regularly quit all drugs, and do things that you enjoy. Try not to think about it and get on with your life, just as before. I remember being in you exact spot, although 19 years old. I was so afraid of all the things I had read and how it may get worse. I quit reading this forum after a couple of months and didn't look back (until last week - 4 years later). I went on with my life and started studying at uni, as planned. I've learned to live with it and even though it still bothers me to think about it and how it may stick with me for the rest of my life, I will be okey. Jacob
  24. 1 point
    I've always compared it to the last hour or two of a strong trip.... The good feeling is long gone, but you are still left with visuals, trippy, dark thoughts, paranoia and psychical sensations. I would gladly take on everyone's visual symptoms for some dp/dr peace. Benzos take the edge off, as does alcohol. Both substances need to be handled with care. You can get through life with it, but I wont sugar coat it... It's a daily struggle and you have to fight hard.... My best advice is to find a way to work from home, it has made my life so much easy to handle.
  25. 1 point
    Keep moving. Exercise is a great way to gain focus. Also, stay focused, or at least try to. I've found that when I concentrate on something I don't hallucinate. When I drift, then they come back.
  26. 1 point
    The whole black worm thing sounds like drug induced psychosis to me
  27. 1 point
    Stay busy. The more you think about it the more you'll drive yourself crazy. As long as you keep yourself going and keep your mind off it you'll at least be able to make it through the day.
  28. 1 point
    hahahaha, how do these myths start? That's a load of shit, don;t listen to whoever told you that. If you got hppd from weed... you will almost certainly get much worse from stronger drugs,
  29. 1 point
    dude, i learned how to rid the dr/dp anxiety!!! for PTSD victims, theres something called CPT, cognitive processing therapy. it basically trains you how to see your problem objectively step by step slowly, breaking thru negative emotions like shame and guilt. i do not reccomend it though until one is ready to experience pain. the only problem i can think is that the anxiety would worsen the hppd. im scared as fuck about it getting worse but why am I? thats an assumption, it could get better, ive had it for 6 months. since i posted this , ive been getting a lot better! i self administersed cpt and got rid of a lot of DR/DP. i still have a lot of it to go thru though. Dude these peopple are saying that theres no point in accepting it, but i dont believe it. they made me cry. but i realize that it felt good to cry because sadness is an emotion and emotions relieve anxiety. im trying to get therapy. seriously, i am tearing up from the support that youre giving me. i am also realizing that i am going to have to be more indepenant. Germany relied on Hitler for hope, thus being a follower isnt the best answer. i am a sensitive person, but i realize that it helps because i can dig deep and realize stuff thats true. including the "PTSD" symptoms that im scared of. the longer that one escapes their fears, they grow. and it becomes a habbit like everything us humans do. it feels so good to be able to be in the present. hopefully i can see therapy soon, but i think that i am done with this site for the most part. theres no point in caring about stuff out of ones control. you should get into buddhism. you should do yoga. those arts are all about building a strong mind and using logic to control your emotions instead of vice versa. i dont even know whats so bad about static and floaters anyway to be honest . theres no such thing as normal , and some people are blind. some people dont have limbs. for me, i have to do self therapy or see a therapist about: i had a bad trip which caused this hppd from NBOME 25i. terrible drug. i have to face those fears that i have buried. just stay in the moment and be pensive. i think that distracting ourselves is the wrong thing to do, the anxiety just increases. but a fair amount of distracting is healthy, gotta go at our own pace. what do u think? Dude, we should start a business where we help people with hppd, like open up a website and give certain therapys to people. i dont know, but it be awesome !!! do u agree with what i say? im only 6 months in, but what the fuck is time ... i hope im not naive
  30. 1 point
    Eric, this is what I did to get my doctor to prescribe it: I poured through this site (or the previous version of it that is), documenting any and all cases i could of people being helped by keppra. i brought this to one psychiatrist educated at harvard, and he didn't prescribe it because he's a pompous jackass. however, i then took it to another doctor, one who worked at olemiss, and, after i showed him a 30 pages of reports of positive effects from keppra from people on this site, he just said, "you know what. looks like you've done your homework. and i don't think we're gonna get you into any trouble with you takin 500 mlg to start out." this small amount actually seemed to help me, though i can't be sure this wasn't placebo. from that point on, i saw the psychiatrist employed by olemiss, and he was cool enough guy to gradually incrasing the dose, and here I am. He, like the other doctor, didn't really know what the hell keppra was, except vaguely. but he was also enough of a human being to understand that not taking a medicine that is keeping you from killing yourself is a fucking stupid way of adhering to the oath to do no harm. So, it may come down to finding the right doctor. this is your life, and you can do whatever is necessary to improve it. I can't stress how important i think everyone try this drug, as I had tried many, many, many others before it that didn't help me. I could give you a laundry list. Not all doctors are knowledgable in all medicines. That would be pretty impossible. They also do not all have the same disposition, and some may be ready to take a chance on something, especially if you have reports of people being helped by the medicine. So try that if you want to. I will even look for the file on my computer of the compiled keppra reports if you would like. you could bring that to him. HBB
  31. 1 point
    My email is HBBerry@olemiss.edu by the way. HBB
  32. 1 point
    I would also like to add I will have a psychology degree as of this May, and have at least some knowledge of the chemical aspects of HPPD, though I am still very much a laymen in this degree. However, I survived with HPPD for 3 years, and I did not do so by sitting back, though I was crippled in many, many ways during that time. The philosophical techniques I developed to cope with the experience I believe may be of great use to others. Anyways, I want help. Let me know if you need some. PS I'm not a stick in the mud either. Nobody who takes enough drugs to get hppd is a boring ass person who is going to speak to you like some haughty doctor who won't just chat with ya if that's what you need at that moment. That is all. HBB
  33. 1 point
    I know I haven't been on here in a while, but: I have completely recovered. I was on the very cusp of suicide, and then I tried Keppra, and my symptoms have decreased 90 percent since being on it. I have been rebuilding my life since then, attempting to learn and develop as a normal person is supposed to during his or her young adult years. But that is a different story. So, long story short: yes, I have fully, fully recovered. Minus the visual symptoms, but shit having increased afterimages is negligable compared to being unable to form sentences when desired, and having no friends in any capacity because I simply cannot comunicate and so cannot express my personality. Every every everyone must try Keppra. I used to search these boards like a man searching for water in a desert. Keppra is the only medicine I have seen corroborating stories of longterm aid. And again, this is not just aid for me, this is a cure. I don't mean this in any philosophical sense. I have not simply addopted a new philosophical world-view. The symptoms are gone. My short-term memory has doubled or trippled. I have occassional memories of my younger life, before any and all drugs, and my own hypothesis on this is my consciousness being in a state that more resembled those days prior to any drug usage. I believe the brain fog most people refer to, as well as agnosia and other symptoms can be traced at least in some degree to failing of short-term memory. Every every every one must try Keppra. I had given up. Entirely. I used to tremble at night and whimper . I was as near death as it gets. And then Keppra. So, two lessons from this: 1: Every every everyone must try Keppra. I am on 1250 mlg for the past 12 or so months (building up the dosage gradually of course), with almost entirely no noticable side-effects. 2: If Keppra does not work, my experience proves that one can be certain of one's own helplessness, and be incorrect. I was certain. So, if you are so inclined to keep fighting and hoping, something may fall into your lap. I am, after 12 months, stil in shock. The second HPPD stopped for me, I began sprinting away from it, my mind and memory compartmentalizing the entire hell-scape and removing it from my consciousness. I cannot believe I ever got HPPD, and I cannot believe I ever got out of it. It is all so bizarre I cannot really grasp it ever happened. The experience of HPPD has left me sort of blistered to life, and even to this day, something close to a full year of recovery, when I get down about some natural life occurance, I feel the desire, at least for a moment, to kill myself. When these times come, I simply inject pleasure into my life in some form or another, whether that is stop doing homework, put in a comedy movie, etc. The scars still hurt from my experience, unbelievably at times. But the source of them is in the past. I should have been on these boards providing support for anyone else who was in my position. I am here now, and if anyone, anyone has questions, I will go into every detail I can to answer them, and if anyone is sincerely contemplating the bottle of tylenol PM on the counter, or a razor, or the gun, I am also here. I will give you my phone number if you require it. I owe my life to this website and board, and it is only right that as one who has survived because of it, I help others who were in my position. So, if you choose to continue on, the fight is not hopeless, regardless of all appearance indicating otherwise. If anyone wants to talk, we can talk on here, or I can give you my email, or if you are on the verge, we can talk voice to voice. Good luck to all. HBB