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How HPPDonline.com opened years ago...

David S. Kozin

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"Weird patterns of swirling neon-green jelly vibrate and move inside the window of my computer monitor. Funny thing is, they aren't part of a weird psychedelic screen saver. I know this for sure, because when I look away at the walls they have this neon presence too. Not only do I see this, but the afterimage of my computer monitor is present there as well and it follows my eyes around with bright yellow horizontal bars which must have come from the blue edges of my web site's colors. I look back at the monitor and the beige plastic starts turning pink and the letters on the keys of my keyboard begin bleeding orange halos. My monitor, (strike that) my entire room is edging back and forth. The clothes that are exposed in the open closet are swaying back and forth. Adding to this visual chorus is a layer of static and a visual imprint of the path my arm took on it's way to edit this web site." -- David Kozin, Site Admin

"I believe I should start from the very end of my story...

Patterns of swirling neon-green jelly vibrate inside the window of my computer monitor. Funny thing is, they aren't part of a weird psychedelic screen saver. I know this for sure, because when I look away at the walls they have this neon presence too. Not only do I see this, but the afterimage of my computer monitor is present there as well and it follows my eyes around with bright yellow horizontal bars which must have came from the edges of the blue Microsoft Word window. I look back at the monitor and the beige plastic starts turning pink and the letters on the keys of my keyboard begin bleeding orange halos. My monitor, (strike that) my entire room is edging back and forth. The clothes that are exposed in the open closet are swaying back and forth. Adding to this visual chorus is a layer of static and a visual imprint of the path my arm took on it's way to grab some iced tea.

This is the same shit I have seen 24 hours a day for the last year and a half of my life. Well, that is a small lie. I only captured a small fragment of the visual display that I and some other HPPDers see constantly. To clear one thing up, I realize none of these "odd" visual perceptions are real. In addition, I've never thought that they were really there. I know why they are there, they are there because I spent nine months of my life eating dozens of ecstasy pills, dropping gel and blotter acid, eating shrooms, and I didn't stop any of these behaviors despite signs of my perceptual system degrading. I guess, I should explain it from the beginning now.

I started recreationally using hallucinogens and ecstasy in August of 1998. I quickly became fond of these drugs. I was known for being a pleasure-seeker and it is quite obvious why I was so attracted to drugs, particularly ecstasy. My outlook on life changed radically, and little did I know at that timeā€¦ how differently my vision would be in the future.

I continued using ecstasy about every week to every other week. On top of this, I would occasionally use LSD. I started noticing visual disturbances rather earlier on in my drug use. I noticed that I could "see the wall move" when I stared at it. This didn't seem too uncommon to me, I have heard from many people that they have this same problem. However, mine seemed considerably worse. I could stare at my ceiling and it would look like a liquid that would wave around. My friends didn't seem to have this severe of an aftereffect and we started foolishly making jokes about it. We would laugh and say, "Dave, you went to Drug Land and stayed there. I can't wait until I visit you." I had assumed that what was happening was normal for a drug user and I, who had always seemed to hallucinate more than anyone else on drugs, was experiencing a regular side-effect of drug use.

Then the day came... the day I took those "Lucky 7's" ecstasy pills. I knew they were more than MDMA, because everyone who took them hallucinated like mad while on them. I saw black colors turn to bright purple (like Barney, the dinosaur). I could "seemingly" spray-paint neon green letters on the walls with my empty hand and I watched brown letters in perfect font float freely past me. I guess I had a good time.

I woke up that next morning and knew something had changed. My visual system wasn't at baseline... even my twisted baseline. I told myself, "Dave, don't worry. Give yourself a day. They will surely return to normal." At least they weren't as bad as they were when I was ON the drug, but they were crazy. Crazy enough... crazy enough that I could say I was hallucinating like a low dose of acid.

The next day... I started panicking. Screaming at my friends, "it isn't fucking going away." I was staring at the steps in my house. The shadows were full of static. The steps were moving... The magnets on the fridge were moving... the hair on my friend's arms would twist in crazy high-contrast lines... my head started floating, everything seemed unreal. I needed help. So I drove back to my parents house. The drive was hell with the headlights of oncoming traffic blinding me and the lights on the construction barricades would strobe across my vision when I turned my head. My front headlights were turning bright purple (like Barney, the dinosaur) and I was sweating like mad. I composed myself, walked into my house and directly to the hallway medicine cabinet. I opened up a bottle of an anti-psychotic and took a couple. I looked at the wall and saw patterns of swirling neon-green jelly vibrate, exactly the color of the letters that I were "spray-painting" with my hand two nights ago. Everything seemed unreal, I knew this wasn't supposed to happen....


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3 Comments


Thank you for this intro

Were the anti-psychotics prescribed for you? Do you notice any change from them or did you just remain in visual la-la-land?

Looking back, do you think your anxiety was totally from the realization that vision was messed up? Or do you suspect a 'biological' component to this anxiety as well?

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