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    Harry
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    Hi, im 17 years old and have been using mdma for about 1.5 years more times then i can count and i have also done alot of other drugs and have done lsd a few times however had a really bad trip on a very high dose and then the next time i did it it wasnt the same as normal and basically had this visual snow all through my trip, i then carried on doing mdma until i had a seizure so i stopped all drugs. about a week later i had a bad panic attack in my lesson (never had anything like that before and i thought i was having a seizure again) i then got really bad anxiety and got this wierd visual symptoms, like really fuzzy which was worse when it was dark and everything looked abit like i was coming up on acid whenever i thought about it (like things almost breathing but only a little bit) and also very strong colours and shadows seemed very easy too see. I knew when i got these visuals that they were never going to go away and i thought that i was fucked. i then preety much had panic attacks in every lesson i went into for about 2 weeks, im glad to say that went away. i had no idea what was wrong with me i went for blood tests and worried alot. its been about 5 months now and i have only just come across this disorder i have been wondering what it could have been and i think this is it i and i still have this visual snow and wierd visuals and i feel like it really is not going to ever go, its really distracting and annoying, is it possible that this will go away any time soon? or is there a way to get rid of the viusal symptoms? because i feel like the visual problem is the only problem i have with this.

    Thank you very much if you have taken the time to read this and look forward to hearing any answers or questions you have.

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    Hi, hope you guys are doing well. I'm starting my blog as many others do .. I took LSD 8 weeks ago and have a couple of concerning symptoms I would like to share with you. The 2 - 3 weeks after I took acid I was very dizzy / had vertigo (when I walked around it felt like being on a boat). I went to a doctor and an ENT-specialist, but they didn't find anything. The dizzyness now almost disappeard, but I still have a blurry vision especially when things or me : ) are moving fast. I still have a constant headache, even though it is also already better than at the beginning (I had awful neck pain at the back of my head). I still feel like having a constant hangover though! When I'm outside a lot I can feel that all the impressions are a lot to process for my head. E.g. the front of my brain is working a lot/is struggling processing all the information. I also feel sick most of the time .. which I think is due to my blurry/dizzy vision!

    I don't have a lot of symptoms described in the blogs/forum though (e.g. trails, frames, etc.) This is why I'm questioning that I have HPPD. Did someone have a similar experience? Does this end anyday soon? The last couple of weeks I didn't notice that it's getting better. I'm therefore afraid that it isn't going away. I started to freak out a little bit last weekend as it seemed to get worse again.

    Would love to hear your opinions? I planned to go to the Neurologist in a few days .. I don't think though this will be very helpful.

    Many thanks in advance.

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    Hello! I didn't know how to ask a question on the forum bit of this site, so I'm asking through here! I'm 18 years old and been taking drugs for the last few years, but only recently have I started taking psychedelics. I've taken mushrooms once earlier this year and during my trip became very paranoid and self-concious, but also had a lot of fun at times- it was not an awful trip so I don't think I gave myself PTSD or anything, since I was fine after that and during it. This summer I went to a festival and tried LSA (Hawaiian Baby Wood-rose Seeds) which were interesting but I convinced myself that I was trapped in a trip and my parents and friends and medics were trying to contact me through little signs, for example a woman near me joked "get on your knees" to her friend and i thought it was a medic telling me to get on my knees because i was dying..... I found this trip really horrible and found myself terrified of male attention, I couldn't differentiate between my thoughts in my head and the words I was speaking (because I could HEAR my thoughts being spoken) and it made me panic- I kept finding myself talking to people but having forgotten the start of the conversation, not knowing what I was saying, my memory was so patchy and I kept scaring myself by looking at peoples faces in the darkness etc etc etc .... Basically, overall it wasn't too much fun and I couldn't sleep because my thoughts were too loud (literally too loud, I was listening to them) and the CIV were too intense..

    The next day however, I was fine and nothing was different. I decided not to take any more psychedelics and instead took a pill that night (which contained Speed and MDMA), but as the pill kicked in, I looked around me as I was dancing and freaked out because my mind was filling the darkness with scary faces (similarly to the night before on the Seeds)!!!! I quickly left the crowd because it was too intense and I didn't understand why I was scared of the darkness, I looked at the moon and circling it was halos that I'd seen the night before- the only way I can describe it is like the moon had ovals around it, orbiting it to make a new shape almost like a flower. The shapes didn't move, they were fixed just like the previous night. This scared me because I was certain that I was about to go into the scary trip again, which I prepared myself for- luckily, I didn't and I forgot about worrying, I just embraced the night and didn't think about how strange it was that I'd had the same moon visuals on the pill (I have lots of experience taking pills and had never looked at the sky and seen that before!!!)...

    I did some research when I got home the following week and found out about HPPD, and after reading the symptoms, I noticed that when I look at street lights I see rainbow halos. I also noticed that, although it is not as intense and vivid as the two nights at the festival, the moon definitely has a sort of light blue/white halo around it that becomes jagged. I've noticed that when I'm stressed it becomes a lot more intense (I had to climb over a wall and I caught a glimpse of the moon as I did it and the halos were very strong..) I think that car lights are a lot stronger but I'm not sure if that is placebo, they definitely leave marks on my vision during the night which become difficult since I cycle everywhere, but I'm not sure if that wasn't the same before.

    My theory is that I may have given myself some sort of anxiety, possibly mild PTSD from my awful trip, which has affected my sight because I found that similar symptoms are common in anxiety- and I definitely have been feeling a lot more anxious just because I am scared that I've given myself HPPD... I think that sleep deprivation could also be affecting me because I haven't been resting enough recently and I've heard that lack of sleep can also provoke these symptoms.

    Since the festival, I have taken MDMA a couple of times and it hasn't affected my moon rings or rainbows- these things are not negatively affecting my life but I think they're warning signs, perhaps?

    I'd really like to know if anybody else had warning signs before they got HPPD and what those signs were. Thank you so much for reading!! ALSO- I don't smoke weed often... occasionally will have a little because my friends smoke lots and it' offered (or I've enjoy baking it a few times) but it tends to make me paranoid and self-concious (like the shrooms and seeds did) and I don't like who it makes me... I think it's important to explain that, because I've read that weed has triggered a lot of people! Thank you,

    Please respond!!!!! Do these sound like warning signs / anxiety?

    Elle

    P.S. When trying to explain my trip to my friend, I saw a few little white sparks in the corner of my vision. This supports my PTSD theory because I was thinking about my trip, but I've had these in the past when I stand up too quickly so I'm not sure? Thanks.

  1. I figure a human's lifespan is somewhere between 65-110 years. Lots can happen in a year (but it goes by so quickly). I've seen people, animals, etc. go from the paradigm of healthy to death or near death in less time than a year. One must feel blessed to still be here but also one is haunted. Here we are not able to be smug because we are actually not able. Lots of people who go through this have a predispostion to something: whether it is perceptional issues, depression, anxiety/panic, psychosis, or clinical dissociation.

    So what's another year?

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    A little background info/story, i guess:

    I've tried shrooms and DXM in the past and recently about a month ago I worked up the courage to try Diphenhydramine, or benadryl, waldryl, etc.

    first time was 400 mg and I had auditory and slight visual hallucinations, floaters, "spiders", gnats, walls seemed to melt. second time I decided i wanted to intensify the effects, and try to encounter the "shadow people" so I took 600 mg and I still wasnt satisfied with the effects, I tried once again and i took 1,200 mg and had a friend with me this time.This time it was a little scary, I saw a lot of spiders, gnats, a black cat, I opened the door to my bathroom and saw a scorpion, auditory effects were so intense. No one was at home but us but I kept seeing my dad walk in and I tried talking to him but then he would disappear. I imagined I was in different rooms then I'd come back to reality and be back in my room. I did finally see the shadow people though, it looked almost like they were doing a dance. The whole time I felt stuck because it was difficult to move, and I kept getting the feeling bugs were crawling on me, I also didn't experience feeling any emotions, as if everything happening was normal or something, just didn't feel like myself

    This happened about a month ago and since then I've been seeing these tiny white dots, almost looks like snow, objects having movement out of my peripheral vision, outlines of something that i just looked at, auras around pretty much everything. Things change size if I look at them for longer than a few seconds, overall my vision is just blurrier than usual, floaters are on any solid color I look at, designs flow, reading is often difficult.. I feel really detached from everything.. I don't really feel emotions, I just kind of go on through daily things without much thought of anything

    I looked up some of these things and what I've found has lead me to HPPD, I'm honestly scared because I don't know how much longer this will go on for, and I'm too scared to tell anyone because I'm afraid they wont take me seriously.

    also, I should add, I smoke weed almost daily, other than that I havent done any other drugs since then

    any advice, or tips would be appreciated

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    epicnicitysimplicity
    Latest Entry

    Today the anxiety hit me really hard and I'm crying as I'm typing this. I don't want to be dramatic but this is the only place I can talk to people about this. Something reminded me how much my family doesn't understand and I don't know why they jump to conclusions. My mom constantly nags me. I know she means well, it's just really stressful. It always ends in me yelling, "I can't see!!!" And she doesn't get that.

    I'm so tired of this. Only 7 months in this hellhole but it's just really getting to me.

    DR and visuals have been hitting me harder. My dreams are a complete blur and the drowning feeling is growing.

    Anyone know if turmeric helps? We put a lot of it in our food since I'm Afghan and just wanted to know if it helps with the healing of the brain.

    Also, thinking of getting a catscan and is it worth the money? Maybe the doctors can help?

    Worst part is I'm really craving coke and pills.

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    Shadowplay
    Latest Entry

    I'm trying to write some poetry or lyrics as a kind of self-help therapy. It really makes you deal with your feelings. I'd love to see some more so feel free to share yours if you do have any.

    WORMHOLE -

    I find myself within the void.

    Restless days and broken bones.

    To chase these thoughts day to day.

    As time is bending within my head.

    Seeking closure but fatality reigns.

    An avalanched mind continues to prevail.

    The sunstorm is coming. Stay or run.

    Searching for the damage that's already been done.

    I flipped a coin but it went right through my hand.

    Ghosting through life as the party disbands.

    Mirrored friend, where did you go?

    My soul's entombed, can't feel no more.

    Mirrored self, why did you leave?

    My vision is fucked, I can not see. Snowblind. Lightstruck.

    I fear the world and the hysteria outside.

    I fear my head and the war inside.

    Erased myself for a sinner's haze.

    Passing out in the dark. Wormhole awaits.

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    Lilbear22
    Latest Entry

    I remember the guy dropping water onto my tongue and how he called it "holy water" and I remember walking back to my friends house after we had just consumed what would be one holy experience. It felt like only 20 minutes had gone by and then wham! Hit me like rocks. I was running back and forth from this burst of energy running through my body. My body felt like a bed sheet flapping in the wind I felt so dancy and my body wanted to move to every sound in the music we had on blast. I turned my phone on and the images we,re moving as if it were some magical TV show. I laid down on my back looking at the ceiling at the moving designs and how they looked all Native American and vibrate in colors outlining each shape. My friend and I couldn't stop laughing the whole night making up jokes that would soon be our inside jokes only we got. The colors We saw made us feel like we were in heaven because of the brightness and vivid flavors that breathed off of it. My mouth felt as if it was swimming in different flavors of chocolate then cherry then turkey. The TV was so bright in the dark room across the hallway it felt like I was getting sucked in so we turned it off. My feelings were the highest they could be from thinking everything was the funniest to feeling like this is how love feels. The thing that got me the most was that I felt as if I were in a totally different land where I could be anything and there was no judging because in this land everything doesn't have to make sense. I called it never land because I never wanted to leave. My friend and I shared this feeling that it felt like we were little kids on a play date because our imagination was getting the best of us.(and yet we're both 22). Around 8 am I finally was coming down and it took my friend and I 20 minutes to say goodnight because we were saying goodnight to the trees, then the bed then to the TV ect. The next day I woke up feeling refreshed somewhat renewed and I felt as if I visited paradise and know what other planets beyond ours has to offer.

    Then the fun begins...

    A week later, I noticed something different. It was on Tuesday the 18th of November 2014 I noticed a difference in my vision. I noticed when in daylight I would see trails behind every moving object. I was getting this weird fuzzy dotted rainbow vision as if it was an Instagram filter for my eyes. I would see halos around lights even worser at night. The floor beneath me is always either morphing(only in the corner of my eyes) or looked farther down then it really was. Rainbow lines would zap across my vision everytime I move my head fast to turn. The text on my phone either was moving across or had a rainbow outline to it and my head would get awful pulsating migranes that would pierce my brain thinking I have a brain tumor. The scary thing is, i didn't smoke pot and my eye pupils weren't enlarged. I thought it would go away in a week but now on the 24th it's gotten worse. I see things in Hd now so it looks like I'm living in a blue ray movie, after images slowly fry away after I look at something for a little bit. And I see blotches of light blue or yellow on white walls randomly. Sometimes colored lights play tricks on me making me think the whole room is that color. Don't even get me started on the panick and anxiety attacks I get now. I know this isn't real In my mind but my heart can't match it up so it gets nervous and beats fast cause it's scared and then makes me scared. Luckily though, I alreDy am prescribed Xanax and it calms me down but the visions still go on but my heart is relaxed so I'm not freaking out.

    My reason for joining this site is not for medical treatment or even looking up symptoms. I know it's hppd and I know that I have it now. All I'm looking for is support for coping with this. I like to know that other people suffer from this disorder but I want to know that we can support each other and know that it's going to be ok, we didn't do anything wrong and that life goes on but with help life can be renewed.

    I hope that someday I can be a guest speaker at schools to teach students about this disorder and the reality of it and that there is a balance in life. I had a fun good trip but the bad comes from the after experience but it doesn't have to be all that bad.

    May you live a long happy life

    Brandon Z

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    The time is approximately ten o’clock at night. The darkness outside is still and peaceful. I am in my bedroom with lit variety hanging lights. My room is cleaned up and sanitized. A music playlist I created is playing aloud on my laptop. I gather my cup full of juice along with my ecstasy. Down they both go. I sit down on my bed and adjust the pillows to support my back. My mind travels off in my readings. As the night grew, so do my senses. My spirit opens. My mind is awake. Every moment I concentrate on a playing song, it persists slower. It becomes creepy, because the voices of the vocalists got a bit deeper. The lights around my place seem to be bursting outwards. I can see more into my peripheral vision than I ever have before. I can see more out of my eyes. If I stared at the walls, they will seem like they are breathing. I know I am not in my dimension anymore.

    Looking back at my keyboard, the keys are switching places by shifting side to side. Or curve to the screen. Good thing I know how to type without looking at this keyboard illusion. Typing suddenly is a difficult task. The words will slip right out of my mind, and back in with a few letters. I do not care; I feel Zen. I look upon articles online for research over harmful effects of what I am on. Organizations reveal that MDMA, the active chemical of ecstasy, causes liver damage and possible neurotoxicity.

    The screen of my laptop begins to double outwards and the words become difficult to read. The reading session ends there. Setting my laptop down, my arm has it’s own trailing images following it. Looking back up, I notice a fly is in my room, because there are long black lines with a fading tail swirling all across my vision. I kill the nuisance with a fly swatter. This makes me wonder, does this drug, make us see more frames of vision than the average human? This music, how time-consuming it seems to be, but when I look at the time the song plays the same seconds as it should.

    I get up to walk to the restroom. I practice walking, because my sight of my feet appears unreal. Displaying unreal that my legs seem taller than they once were. Shuffling to the bathroom I look in the mirror and I notice my eyes are dilated. It was clear; I was on an illicit drug. I go back to my room and all my lights are swirling uncontrollably. I look away and look back and it stops. I lay back on my bed. Closing my eyes, I lose myself in the display of moving lines intersecting with one another. Slumber arose suddenly and unexpectedly.

    I wake up early in the morning. The brightness of the room follows as I move my eyes. I get up quickly in alarm. Never in any trip have I still tripped in the morning. Every color in my room is not a solid color. The color has different shades of itself as the color displays. This leads to color confusion. My vision has burned in negative images from where I look and look away. The more I uncover the more I notice. The blankets on my bed would not seem to stay still, but look like it is going in waves. That goes for every object I concentrated at. The list goes on for what my eyes endure. Anger fills me. I feel like falling asleep while hallucinating caused all this mess. I fix my hair. Walking downstairs in disbelief and despair, I find myself breakfast. Days and nights go on. A year passes. What I see have never disappeared. The images keep coming back assorted.

  2. "Weird patterns of swirling neon-green jelly vibrate and move inside the window of my computer monitor. Funny thing is, they aren't part of a weird psychedelic screen saver. I know this for sure, because when I look away at the walls they have this neon presence too. Not only do I see this, but the afterimage of my computer monitor is present there as well and it follows my eyes around with bright yellow horizontal bars which must have come from the blue edges of my web site's colors. I look back at the monitor and the beige plastic starts turning pink and the letters on the keys of my keyboard begin bleeding orange halos. My monitor, (strike that) my entire room is edging back and forth. The clothes that are exposed in the open closet are swaying back and forth. Adding to this visual chorus is a layer of static and a visual imprint of the path my arm took on it's way to edit this web site." -- David Kozin, Site Admin

    "I believe I should start from the very end of my story...

    Patterns of swirling neon-green jelly vibrate inside the window of my computer monitor. Funny thing is, they aren't part of a weird psychedelic screen saver. I know this for sure, because when I look away at the walls they have this neon presence too. Not only do I see this, but the afterimage of my computer monitor is present there as well and it follows my eyes around with bright yellow horizontal bars which must have came from the edges of the blue Microsoft Word window. I look back at the monitor and the beige plastic starts turning pink and the letters on the keys of my keyboard begin bleeding orange halos. My monitor, (strike that) my entire room is edging back and forth. The clothes that are exposed in the open closet are swaying back and forth. Adding to this visual chorus is a layer of static and a visual imprint of the path my arm took on it's way to grab some iced tea.

    This is the same shit I have seen 24 hours a day for the last year and a half of my life. Well, that is a small lie. I only captured a small fragment of the visual display that I and some other HPPDers see constantly. To clear one thing up, I realize none of these "odd" visual perceptions are real. In addition, I've never thought that they were really there. I know why they are there, they are there because I spent nine months of my life eating dozens of ecstasy pills, dropping gel and blotter acid, eating shrooms, and I didn't stop any of these behaviors despite signs of my perceptual system degrading. I guess, I should explain it from the beginning now.

    I started recreationally using hallucinogens and ecstasy in August of 1998. I quickly became fond of these drugs. I was known for being a pleasure-seeker and it is quite obvious why I was so attracted to drugs, particularly ecstasy. My outlook on life changed radically, and little did I know at that time… how differently my vision would be in the future.

    I continued using ecstasy about every week to every other week. On top of this, I would occasionally use LSD. I started noticing visual disturbances rather earlier on in my drug use. I noticed that I could "see the wall move" when I stared at it. This didn't seem too uncommon to me, I have heard from many people that they have this same problem. However, mine seemed considerably worse. I could stare at my ceiling and it would look like a liquid that would wave around. My friends didn't seem to have this severe of an aftereffect and we started foolishly making jokes about it. We would laugh and say, "Dave, you went to Drug Land and stayed there. I can't wait until I visit you." I had assumed that what was happening was normal for a drug user and I, who had always seemed to hallucinate more than anyone else on drugs, was experiencing a regular side-effect of drug use.

    Then the day came... the day I took those "Lucky 7's" ecstasy pills. I knew they were more than MDMA, because everyone who took them hallucinated like mad while on them. I saw black colors turn to bright purple (like Barney, the dinosaur). I could "seemingly" spray-paint neon green letters on the walls with my empty hand and I watched brown letters in perfect font float freely past me. I guess I had a good time.

    I woke up that next morning and knew something had changed. My visual system wasn't at baseline... even my twisted baseline. I told myself, "Dave, don't worry. Give yourself a day. They will surely return to normal." At least they weren't as bad as they were when I was ON the drug, but they were crazy. Crazy enough... crazy enough that I could say I was hallucinating like a low dose of acid.

    The next day... I started panicking. Screaming at my friends, "it isn't fucking going away." I was staring at the steps in my house. The shadows were full of static. The steps were moving... The magnets on the fridge were moving... the hair on my friend's arms would twist in crazy high-contrast lines... my head started floating, everything seemed unreal. I needed help. So I drove back to my parents house. The drive was hell with the headlights of oncoming traffic blinding me and the lights on the construction barricades would strobe across my vision when I turned my head. My front headlights were turning bright purple (like Barney, the dinosaur) and I was sweating like mad. I composed myself, walked into my house and directly to the hallway medicine cabinet. I opened up a bottle of an anti-psychotic and took a couple. I looked at the wall and saw patterns of swirling neon-green jelly vibrate, exactly the color of the letters that I were "spray-painting" with my hand two nights ago. Everything seemed unreal, I knew this wasn't supposed to happen....

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    hi everyone iv had hppd for just on a year now and in that time done very little about it i guess i figured if i ignored it for long enough it would go away im just wondering wheres a good place to start with getting treatment iv talked to doctors about it but generlly they have the attitude of ive never hered of it so your wasting my time its also hard for me to talk about somthing like this to someone i dont really no does anyone no who i can talk to who will understand or at least no what im talking about like a counciller or somthing i live in sydney australia so if by chance anyone has had seccess with a piticler person that would be very helpfull

    ps this website got me through some very hard times its just so conforting to no your not alone and that hppd is a real thing thank you very much for making this website

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