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Hallucinogen Persisting Perception Disorder (HPPD) Support Forum

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  1. Yesterday
  2. MadDoc

    Almost 9 months..

    I started dosing young, just prior to my 14th birthday. I went through some rough and stressful years after I stopped when I was 20. You said "May we all find happiness again". After heavy dosing for six years, I didn't think I could be happy again. The chemicals that kept me fueled through my teens were no longer working and I realized that I had done some damage to my mind. It took some years of hard work, but I found happiness again. There's nothing special about me. I'm just an average human, but now I'm happy. It took focused effort, setting goals and not giving up. I think the hardest part was realizing that because I'm human, I'm flawed, but now I'm OK with that. I guess what I'm trying to say is that happiness is attainable even when you're in a dark place. One step at a time, stumble, get back up and try again. Take care.
  3. Last week
  4. olivier24445

    Almost 9 months..

    Again, i stand by my analysis that HPPD has a very similar brain chemistry process as PTSD and both belongs to the same family. Drugs can trigger in the brain the creation of the same alternative neural pathways as PTSD does. Can be definitive for some people, we are not all equal ; Makes you 24/24 hyper-vigilant/active and create more or less visual distortions (more in cas of drug use). But brain can be trained to reverse most of this effects. Try Lamotrigine already to 100mg daily. It's working for me, and for many other people. Don't waste your time.
  5. K.B.Fante

    Almost 9 months..

    Many here have similar stories and have walked similar paths. Aside from the day-to-day grind of trying to ignore dark thoughts and cope with a broken brain -- which is really putting in lightly -- it's painful to watch the years accumulate and see life pass you by, constantly wondering how different things could have been had you only not taken that one drug on that one occasion. I'm turning 30 soon. When I got HPPD I was 26 and on top of the world. This experience has altered me in ways I never even dreamed possible. I am and always will be a totally different person. But in the end I'm also a better person for having endured this condition. It's a disease I wouldn't wish on anybody in the history of the world. Instead of caving try and take this opportunity as a challenge to become a better person. Yes, you're 40. But 40 is also still fairly young. Most people have midlife crises around this age anyhow. Perhaps your is just a bit more intense. As Jay and many of the veterans have pointed out, this is a horrendous condition but one that still permits a quality and worthwhile life if you take care of your health from this point onward. Life is truly the greatest gift imaginable, even if tainted by constant pain. If you now concentrate on your health, eat real food, exercise rigorously, find inner peace, exercise your demons and work on becoming a better person each day you will find purpose, and once you find purpose you will begin to see life in a new light.
  6. Basildog

    Almost 9 months..

    Hi all, new to the forum. I used to love psychedelics, I started when I was 16, back in 94/95. We had good acid back then. I never really abused it, as it was hard to come by when extasy hit the streets, so I tripped on acid a dozen times in the mid 90's, before all sources disappeared. So I started to look for shrooms, but wasn't very succesfull. I had maybe 10 trips between 2000 and 2014. Up to that point, it was reasonable, although I messed with E a lot during thise years, some nights up to 20 pills.. Then came the darknet, I had finally a new lsd source. The first time I tripped on acid again, I went straight to the white light, at the center of the universe, speaking with God. Everything was fine, although I could never replicate the religious experience. I was in love with it, and I tripped every 2 or 3 months, I never really abused this substance. All trips were fine, I ve never had a bad trip in my life, to this day. Last NYE, I decided to take acid by myself, and I threw in a little amount of 1p-lsd... Didn't notice anything untill 2 weeks later. Trails. Palinopsia. The symptoms I have decelopped since then are: - trails - blue entopic phenomenon - strong anxiety - staring into nothingness, like my eyes don't want to look at anything, like if my gaze would freeze, or zone out. That worries me a lot - the worst: I feel I've lost my ability to feel. Things that once made me feel good or positive, like my favorite music, or painting, I used to paint... I cannot feel the rush in my head anymore. Like I'm numb and can only feel bad emotions. I do realize this could be depression, but somehow it feels more like it's linked to this whole hppd stuff. I should add that I've been on xanax for ten years and have started to taper it down, because I was flirting with sometimes 3mg a day and didn't want to go higher, so there's no choice but going down. Am now at 1,70mg, and feeling quite awful. I have many suicidal thoughts, like a lot. Many times everyday. I will turn 40 in 2 months and feel absolutely lost and misunderstood. In fact, everyday I think of taking my life before the birthday. I have no kids, no gf, no job, no income, no projects and loads of other health issues, from crippling back and neck pain to 12 years of sound trauma induced tinnitus and hyperacusis... I'm extremely tired of everything, but I promised my two dogs I'd take care of them untill the very end. So at least I got this. I 've noticed that almost any drug aggravates the symptoms, especially opiates. I'm going to try neurofeedback to get in touch with my emotions again but I'm very skeptical. Arite, that's enough for now. Thank you all for this forum. May we all find happiness again.
  7. TheWildWorld

    2 realities? (urgent)

    I literally experience the same thing. Not the police and stuff but it’s as if I never left the trip. It’s as if it all goes back and I’m still in the same place as before.
  8. Jay1

    Dark room therapy

    It is not great... I have different cycles of insomnia... Sometimes I can't sleep until, say, 4am, then rise at 7am... Other times, I fall asleep at midnight and then wake at 4am and don't get back to sleep. Currently, I am in a cycle where i sleep from about midnight until 2am, then get back to sleep again at 5am until 7am.
  9. I find myself looking as well to see if anyone has similar things that happen. My acid trip was intense and went south for me. I went a year with nothing then one day if felt like it was all a dream and I never left the first acid trip. I get stuck in loops as if the moment I’m in never ended and I’ve been here and always will be in the moment that catches me for my entire life. I’ll be sitting still then it’s as if everything repeats and sheer terror takes over. i don’t have 4k like HD but I feel as my equilibrium has been knocked off and I’m walking through a dream. I stopped by here looking to see if I’m not alone. It’s intense and trying to find an answer for it to stop. Thanks for sharing and I know we can get through the craziness!
  10. Cheers man. After your 2 year session did it just go away completely? How did another one come about. And yeah that makes sense as for the vision and hearing. This shit is so weird.
  11. olivier24445

    Lamotrigine withdrawal

    I tried to lower the dose for a few days, to test it , and the so said "withdrawal" is really really mild. I would not listen anymore to people comments. Even if there is a whidrawal, the positive effects are MAJOR ! So it worth it The good thing with this little interruption, is that a could have a better measure on the positive effects of Lamictal on me, as on lower dosage, i felt back right away to my old self, bit spaced out, living in a dream feeling, flashy visuals, drifiting lights and all that shit that make you feel in weirdo land 24/24 ----the classic hppd things i'm enduring since 20 years from now) . So , this med has a fantastic effect so far. I feel great, my anxiety is really gone, i feel good in the crowd, and i'm able to really connect with people. My mind is so clear that i want for the first time ever, to really interact with people to enjoy it. I will by then increase slowly the dosage to see if i can improve even more.
  12. Yo ziggy, so what’s it like now? Can you drink regularly? Are you back to fully normal? Is it like waking up from a nightmare and you’re back to the way you were before?
  13. thawhitetigerbby

    Lamotrigine withdrawal

    I would love to see an answer to this consodering I am going to the dr monday to find something to help my HPPD/ depression/ anxiety out.
  14. thawhitetigerbby

    My Symptoms, Anybody Similar?

    hey man I appreciate you for sharing and going through this, I can relate and say that it is tough. I had a 2 year session of HPPD and now im on another one and its been about 4 months, I cant say that I can relate to the 4k eyesight, my vision is worse than before, my depth perception also sucks. I get the intensified colors and light, but its almost like the intense lights and colors take away from my ability to see well, ive always had 20:20 vision, but nowadays its like if im looking i can really only focus on one small portion of what im looking at and i cant grasp fuller images, and for the hearing and seeing being connected, I believe they are in the sense that they are both ways of perceiving, if you see a dog bark in front of you then you expext to hear a dog bark, so if this dog in reality sounds a little bit weird your brain may shape the sound you hear so that you hear; a dog bark. You see what I mean? Anyway, I hope your situation evens out, there is a lot of us.. and we all have a way of perceiving life now that is different from the societal norm, so lets perceive the best lives that we can.
  15. thawhitetigerbby

    Suffering the Consequences

    I appreciate the reply dearly, really did help out, im also glad to know im not the only one out there who has gone through/ is going through, the same thing. Also I love the Alan Watts quote, he is one of my favorite speakers..! I will do better, i had kind of an uplifting experience yesterday so this only helps out more..! If you happen to read this also one of my big problems is having great advice, im a counselor among friends, but I can never take my own advice.. If I could I would be a million times better off..!
  16. Fatihh

    Dark room therapy

    I dont meditate because I am always sleepless, which causes me stress. With stress it is difficult for me to 'chill'. So, first thing I want to do is improve my sleep. How is your sleep pattern, how much do you sleep and what time?
  17. dayum_son

    Dark room therapy

    I thought about that too but since my visuals are always a bit worse after being in the dark for a few mins, I never got around to trying that.
  18. Jay1

    Dark room therapy

    Will be interested to hear how you get on. Do you meditate? I think meditation techniques will be essential to get through it
  19. jbalsa2

    jbalsa2's keppra thread

    It is; in the 2 and a half years that I've had hppd, I've never stayed on any one drug for longer than a couple of weeks, besides benzodiazepines. My luck would have it that lamotrigine gave me extremely crippling cerebellar ataxia. I've been on keppra for roughly 2 months now, and it seems to keep me on the good side of symptoms and keeps my psychological drive to keep going up, whereas before I'd always be depressed and resort to using benzos, opiates, or just generally not having a want to keep on living. Now if only I could deal with my spasticity/involuntary psychologically concurrent muscle movement disorder - I think I'd have a pat down foundation built for being able to live a happy and consistent life, without having to worry much about how or when my hppd and other symptoms will stop me from being able to live and have a positive outlook on my future.
  20. Onemorestep

    jbalsa2's keppra thread

    Very exciting stuff! I hope it’s still working out for you keep a watch out out for increased hair shedding, connective tissue problems, and paradoxical vitamin deficiency symptoms (levels seemed fine, but body wasn’t utilizing them). These were the main ones I experienced.
  21. Onemorestep

    Nsi-189

    I’m about three weeks into my trial with NSI. In my opinion, it is an INCREDIBLE substance for alleviating depression and promoting mental stability. I feel a sense of security and self that I had lost for so long I had forgotten what it was like. And the effects appear to not only last with cessation of it but actually get better in my experience. Its still early in my trial to be tooting success, but I’m just in such a state of relief I felt the need to say something. So far this has changed my life so much for the better. Obviously, individual mileage may vary. This is not a zero risk substance. But from what I’ve read and experienced, it’s not more dangerous than traditional antidepressants in terms of side effects. ill continue to post about my experience with this compound as time goes on. I’m still tinkering with dosages and want to give it a full rub before I report back. Much love to you all
  22. Onemorestep

    Naltrexone

    Hi hope! Id love to give an update— so far it’s going pretty well. Sometimes I take it for a week or so and then forget to but I always notice it being a positive thing. It just puts me in a better mood. And if I’m feeling overstimulated from my methylation protocol it helps reduce nerve pain symptoms and if I’m feeling disassociated it can help pull me out .i really give it an a+ particularly because it has very very few side effects I notice. Perhaps s little lighter sleep on the first night or two I take it? I developed hppd many times in my life. I honestly don’t think I’ve ever not felt it since it probably started when I was around 6 with Ritalin. That being said, I didn’t have my first serious stint with it until I abused dextromethorphan when I was 20. I didn’t have any visual problems from it, but the mental ones were there. This largely healed over the course of the next year or so. Then I took mushrooms and developed it really bad. I took six months off of hallucinogens and felt emotionally better but still cognitively impaired somewhat.then I took probably an oz of mushrooms in a month. That really was a dumb idea but I was young and naive. I didn’t even know what hppd was. i had growing and shrinking of objects minorly. Brain fog, surfacing of addictions, depression, etc etc. and then I got nbombed with my friends. Three days later I woke up and the world was absolutely insane. I was a different person. 40 iq points lower. An emotional wreck. Disassociated. Weed made me panic. Dysphoric. I tried to recover with time time but never really did. Eventually a run with a bunch of supplements and most importantly oxiracetam and coluracetam usage has seemed to leave me with permanent brain dysfunction. Oxiracetam and coluracetam left me in a state of hppd that I describe as at least 100 times worse than what I got from traditional hallucinogens. Absolute hell. It’s a miracle I didnt kill myself. God knows I asked my family to do it. years later, and post an indescribable amount of agony, I have managed to regain a large portion of my sanity and emotional functioning. I had to do an enormous amount of research though and try (in a calculated risk vs gain analysis) a lot of different medications and nootropics. I’m happy to say that I’m probably 50 percent back to my old self. Its been a journey and has and has helped me grow in so many ways. People often remark that my views on things are that of an 80 year old man. I think that’s because as we suffer, we grow. It gives an outlook on life that can be positive in a weird way. I don’t take things for granted like a lot of my peers. I relish days of good health and the people in my life. I’m careful with my body and mind; my relationships and emotions. this was honestly a very brief synopsis of my hppd and mental/physical health journey. One day I’ll write a full one, but for now this will have to do 😛
  23. jbalsa2

    Baclofen?

    Hmm... That's an interesting experience. I see some potential plus sides, and also some serious downsides. Im going to consider all of that, and bring it up with my doctor. If he decides it would be a good med il go through treatment acknowledging that. I was born severely premature, and almost died shortly after birth, I was put on many different meds to keep me alive, including steroids to aid in my premature growth. Spent 8 months in the hospital post-birth. Then to top that off, I fractured my skull when I was 3 years old. For the longest time I thought that my newly developed muscle jerking and psychosomatic involuntary body movements caused by improper communication between thoughts and my body/muscles were caused by the onset of hppd. But it's only after seeing as much neurological improvement on keppra that I've noticed my spasticity hasn't improved at all. I could be wrong, but I have an inkling of fear that some of these symptoms may be rebound effects that have only just started to appear from my trouble and trauma in my early years. For me medication might be my only aid. On the up side, I can't see baclofen being too intensely damaging if I do a short term trial on it to see how it effects my symptomology before committing to taking it long term. My situation is fucking crappy. Hppd alone is one thing, but finding out that I face neurodegenerative like symptoms from early childhood complications and trauma that are now synchronous with my hppd... Fuck me. I've been diagnosed as having borderline personality disorder, which im almost positive is derivative from my premature birth/TBI. Did you notice any similarity in muscle relaxant/calming symptoms between baclofen and any forms of benzos?
  24. Onemorestep

    Baclofen?

    Oh boy that is an interesting drug. I have quite a bit of experience with baclofen, although it might not be what you want to hear. i discovered baclofen after I developed chronic muscle clenching all over my body. It got to a point I had trouble breathing without pain and my intestinal system froze completely. This process began when I first developed hppd from mushrooms. My doctor started me on baclofen eventually. the first three days it just made me sleepy after I took it and gave me great sleep. then I had a SERIOUS rebound from it. I was manic looking back on it but it felt too good to stop. It was very GHB like. And this was on VERY small doses (like 5mg spread throughout the day) i kept up with it though because as i increased the dose i dose I did lose my spasticity problems. Another great thing is it durastically improves my cognition to, in some ways, pre hppd. And lastly, it cured me of my addiction to drugs and alcohol. After a time I just had no interest in them. In fact, even if I did imbibe or partake, they often had zero euphoric effects. now for the bad news.... after 8 months on the drug I lost the ability to feel pleasure. It happened very rapidly. I had gotten myself to 100mg a day and I was traveling in Sardinia. One day I woke up, and couldn’t experience pleasure from anything. I tried to listen to music, read, exercise...everything.... and nothing. I immediately started to come off the medication. the withdrawals were pretty intense. Not as bad as benzos, but baclofen increases serotonin as well and it felt more akin to light benzo withdrawal and ssri withdrawal mixed together. I cried for days at a time. Eventually I got down to ten milligrams.... but the anhedonia was still there. It didn’t alleviate with cessation. Not even a little bit. heres the thing about baclofen—it’s a GABA B agonist with cholinergic functions and has a semi permanent effect on brain function in a way we don’t really understand. If you google around, you’ll find that overdose of the drug is alleviated with anticholinergics and that people who take it for alcoholism find that they can eventually stop taking it without the return of previous drug seeking behavior. It definetely does something in the brain and pleasure seeking. For some people it doenst cause anhedonia. For others it can with a single dose. The good news is it did get better, but took several years and as I felt emotionally better my memory and cholinergic functioning returned to its previous state. in my opinion, it is a TERRIBLE idea to bombard GABA neurons consistently. You risk DECOUPLING. I capitalize because I hope you understand how serious that can be. You might as well have brain damage if it occurs because it’s essentially the same. Probably worse. There are some things you can do for brain damage but how do you get receptors to reconnect with each other? In my experience, the only way is a serious amount of time and forcing yourself to go through experiences that require the receptors. that all being said, it’s a hell of a great muscle relaxer. I’ve never had any serious return of spasticity that has lasted for more than a few hours since I took it. For me, I would never EVER want to go through that experience again, but I would also be completely crippled if I hadn’t dealt with the spasticity. My advice to you is is to try to find out what is causing the spasticity. You might have a nutritional deficiency, or problems with methylation or who knows. I found out years later, that a lot of my spasticity was probably caused by potassium deficiency and problems with methylation (although prior head injuries definetely played a role). i know that muscle spasticity is a real pain in the butt and there aren’t a whole lot of treatments. I wish you he best of luck.
  25. Hey, So I developed HPPD after some traumatic acid trip, I guess I took a little too much unknowingly. What started as flashbacks, that would occur like once a week, where I’d fully start experiencing a trip again — hearing voices (the worst), seeing things glow, everything like acid-world type thing but not in any way close to the way it was when I actually tripped. Each week or so after that, I could see them getting less intense, and the voices becoming less intense. All super strange shit. It took about 2 months for the flashbacks and voices to go away completely. I remember after that, the last hit of the ‘flashback’ type of thing was full on static vision that lasted about 4 days, and then went away. Throughout this whole time I quit weed, but I continued to drink, and heavily, because of how much this was pissing me off. But I stopped all other drugs. Some self-justification bullshit that got me into this mess in the first place was the reason I kept drinking. Anyway, once I’d decided to stop drinking which was about 4 months in, I got fully sober, and dedicated to recovery. At this point my symptoms were constant intensified colours, my vision is like 4K-HD all the time, everything looks super defined (this is the one I’m curious to see if anybody else has?) static at night, excessive blue field entoptic phenomenon, constant anxiety, mood swings, depression, DP/DR. Since sobriety about 3 months ago, these symptoms have stayed about exactly the same. I’m hopeful though, I’m trying things. I haven’t really dedicated myself to exercise and meditation like I know I should, I’m still trying to cope with figuring out my life with this all breaking my entire sense of reality, and really sense of self. I just wanna know I’m not the only one with this 4K-HD thing, cause I’ve read up on loads and I have symptoms that match other people’s but no one really mentions this one. This is a tough one to break through, everybody who pushes through this I have the upmost respect for, people don’t really understand how hard this is. I’m sure I can get myself out of this somehow, any tips would be much appreciated. Oh yeah, and whenever I’m outside, listening to my earphones it sounds different, is vision somehow linked with your hearing? Is the excessive amount of visual information coming in somehow messing with my hearing? Life’s funny, I’m a photographer, and have been because I’ve always been very in tune with my perception, this is like the biggest piss-take of all time! It came after the thing I valued the most, not even realising I could lose it haha. At least something good that’s come out of it is that I’ve told a lot of people who were gonna take hallucinogens to not even risk it, I can’t imagine what it would do to some people, I feel like those of us who get it are somewhat strong enough to deal with it. And sobriety (sigh). So yeah, I know I’m in it for somewhat of a long road, so I’m trying to keep hopeful no matter what, take it day by day, cause I’ve questioned offing myself multiple times. Tried CBD oil by the way, that calmed me down. I heard about Black Seed oil as well, that’s just classically in Middle eastern culture known to be a great cure, so I’m gonna get myself on that soon. Alright, let me know guys.
  26. MadDoc

    I'm crazy

    Thank you. I'm not sure if I'm particularly wise. I also hope I didn't go overboard giving a sobriety lecture. It's just what worked for me. Many of my hppd symptoms cleared up and I attribute that to sobriety, though it took a long time. I know people who live happy lives using drugs like alcohol and cannabis in moderation. I'm not one of those people. I had to stay sober to reconstruct my life, get an education (I also studied mathematics), provide for my family, and to not allow reality to dissolve into madness. I guess it's a matter of deciding what we want in life. Hppd can be debilitating disorder. You've accomplished so much, don't let hppd get a foothold!
  27. jbalsa2

    Baclofen?

    Hey guys, question for those of you that know... I've been taking brand name Keppra for a couple of months now, and it's been working great at helping my neurocognitive state. One thing I've always experienced with my hppd has been muscle spasticity, involuntary body movements and muscle contractions and such - which has been psychosomatic (ie; caused by my brain, and is an active player in my thought/conciousness in causing my muscle movements, if that makes sense) These spasms were drastically reduced by taking benzodiazepines. Im just wondering if anyone has any experience using baclofen? Seeing that it is a GABA agonist that could be taken long term. My thinking, is that keppra gives me neurogenic improvement, while leaving body symptoms untouched. Maybe I could combine baclofen with keppra to give my muscle spasticity and shakes a rest, while also preserving my mental/visual improvement. Any info or experiences are appreciated! Thanks Jason
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